Clivia Writes: April 2008

Grief...

People deal with grief in different ways..
I'm realizing that I do mine privately..
I don't think its a good thing...
I feel like me breaking down in front of people is just adding to their own grief..
Magnifying it kinda..
i Don't know if its healthy..Maybe its not..
I don't cry where people can see me..
so i soldier..
I try my best to act as if I'm just fine...
..i think my mom knows this though...
she continues to ask me if I'm ok..
and I continue to say ...I'm alright..
I'm glad that she asks though..
I feel like she understand that i will ALWAYS say I'm ok..
so she continues to ask...
These days have been hard for me...
i think it made worse by seeing my sister in so much pain..but not being strong enough to even talk to her about it....
I wil lbreak...and I CANNOT!!!

My Uncle Claude died a few days ago..
The last I saw him was when i went home for Christmas two years ago..
Strangely he was Still as I remember him..
A GIANT!!
Uncle Claude was so tall that when he entered a door way you would expect him to bend to enter.
I think it was even more magnified for me..
I was a small child...and to me..he seemed as Big as Big could be..
The times when he would lift me...
I swear i was at the top of the world looking down..
He was a Giant ..
But a Jolly Giant..
He had a laugh that would carry for miles..
You wouldn't even know what he was laughing about ...
But when you heard him..you had to smile..

Just as powerful was when he raised his voice at you to boof you way..
Lord...it was Like Moses on the Mountain to me..
But that rarely happened..
Well..kinda Rare..
Try to deal with 7 million daughters and nieces under the age of 12 alltogether all at once with personalities as diverse as you could possible imagine..
The independent bossy ones, the quiet creative ones that would get bullied, the one crying for her mother, the one who would make up stories and convince everyone else it was real, the nervous one...sigh..characters all of us..

But Uncle Claude took it all in stride..
Even when we would sit in his favorite chair...haha..
That Chair..
He would sit in that chair after work..and watch his westerns...
John Wayne was his favorite...
and listen to either Classic calypso or big band music...
and lecture us on that is what real music is..

But that chair called to us..
I think it was just because we knew it was his..
and he was coming soon to sit in it..
we would pile into it...
when there were other couches..and stools and floors everywhere..
But we would all go into that chair..
AND BREAK OUR NECKS running when we heard the wrecker pulling up...

Uncle clause was a mechanic..
He had his own Garage and of course bright shiny red Wreckers..
we would crawl on them like they were a new toy...
And wave when we saw him pass on the street with it..
The garage itself was a wonderland..

I will always remember walking around down there and imaging a secret world in between the rusting cars...and discarded parts in the yard.
They used a lift to raise the cars..and Uncle Claude would indulgently give us rides in it up and down up and down, shrieking girl screams, patient and smiling...ALWAYS.

I remember too when him and my aunt would take part in these dancing events..
They would get all gussied up and go ballroom dancing..
The man could dance...
he would put us on his feet and WHIRL away...

I think he was entirely responsible for my obsession with meat..
Garage FOOD.
The best
you would ask me what my favorite food was as a little girl and it would always be Garage food.
Uncle Claude would cook from Turtle to 'guana to Mutton..
in a bubbling pot on stones at the Garage
The dumplings would be cooked in with whatever meat was in the pot..
Tender and flavored with whatever was bubbling gt the time..
Nothing has tasted better..
Being able to eat with you hands made it soo much better...
it was amazing..
I would be in complete delight waiting for it to finish..
i didn't care WHAT was in that pot...
as long as he made it..

He was such a family man...
Dedicated to my Aunty Claudia...[Claude and Claudia - destined huh?]
and his kids who were so like him..but still not him..
You couldn't miss him in their faces..
I think they all got stronger parts of his personality...
One - more his strength,
One - his easy going and helpful nature
One - his openness and honesty..

He helped form my life..
he loved me as his own...
He was always happy to see me..
I reverted to the little girl that could fit in his hand whenever i saw him...
the girl that would have fits of giggling and excitement when he swung me in the air...
So i could see the top of the world..

I grieve for him...
I grieve for his loss
for the laughter he brought to our lives..
to the joy he brought to his wife and kids and to our family..
to that niche of security that you can only have when the people you love and love you are there ..where they always are, where they're always supposed to be...

I PRAY that i can go home to honor his memory
Once again i feel like the absentee relative..
absent in happy, absent in sad
Just absent

I'm failing them again..
I mourn that as much as I mourn him
I hope he and them can forgive me

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, by clivia

First Meeting - Sunshine

You know i pretend to be this worldy, bitter cynic all the time...
haha
Sarcasm is a Nice hard shell that you use to protect you..
But the truth is..
is that im a die hard romantic PUNK!!
haha!!
and small actions mean BIG things to me..

so i was listening to Lupe this morning

and isnt this the PERFECT first meeting sentiment..??
I think it appeals to my hidden Maiden being rescued by a Urban Knight in shining armor tendency..

LOOK !! I AM STILL A GIRL!!! hahah

LUPE ROCKS!!

Sunshine

Fresh uh huh, yes she is
Had a feelin that is would be a day like this
The orchestra in my mind dont play like this (naw),
But I'm prepared for it
Got a lil rare for it
Brushed off my airs
Even cut my hair for it
Cause normally I dont care for it
Dont even be looken for like, like that
Then there go it
Yea right over there so I prepare the poet
Lil scared my stair lowered
Momma said have no fear
Plus I'm already outta my chair
God love my airs on my square from here forward
It's nuthen right so here go it
Whisper in the air "its kinda crowded in here"
Would she care to blow it she said "yea"

[chorus]
Your my sunshine (your my sunshine),
Your my moonlight (your my moonlight),
Your the stary skies above me wont you please come down and hug me,
Cause I found love in this girl tonight (Wowowowo)

Never met her before
But I think I like her like a metaphor
It's hard ta get
In the car we sit

From the intro she rolled down her window just in case some was a skit
So I compliment her on the common sense
I'm calm
A lil more confident (Uh Huh)
And then we lose consciousness
She says "that I've been waitin' for you"
And I know you been chasin me too since they kidnapped me from a castle
I been thinkin of you
I told a firebreathin dragon "he bet not harm me" or he be sorry when he meets my one man army
And thou has come ta rescue me
My knight in shinin armor yes you be
Woken up by the horn of an SUV
I said "see, too beautiful to let you sleep"

[chorus]
Your my sunshine (your my sunshine),
Your my moonlight (your my moonlight),
Your the stary skies above me wont you please come down and hug me,
Cause I found love in this girl tonight (Wowowowo)

Relationship is just 30 minutes long
It's kinda heavy maybe a lil strong
"Go and take" much more than once
Can't trust what each of us say at least for a month
Or two before I bid you a due
Do this one thing for me outta the trillions and numbers thats in the world
Just leave me a few that lead to you
Won't be longin I see you in the mornen

[chorus]
Your my sunshine (your my sunshine),
Your my moonlight (your my moonlight),
Your the stary skies above me wont you please come down and hug me,
Cause I found love in this girl tonight (Wowowowo)