She writes and reads

Why it sucks to be a Daddy's girl...

2011-12-10T19:38:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong...the man is not perfect...and he's made mistakes in his life that remind me that although he is the best daddy ever...he is still a MAN, capable of mistakes, and massive fuck ups...

but here is why he has ruined me for life....
this was a conversation...

Did my wife smile today? Did she laugh? Was I the reason she did?
Did she cry today? Was I the reason? How do I make sure that doesnt happen again?
How do I make sure that her spirit is happy? That she's worrying less not more?
That our life is the life she envisioned....at least eighty percent of the time..

Men don't do that anymore.
Everyone is easily replaced. Emotions are things that they can casually ignore...because there is always something else out there. Your value is based on what other options are readily available.

It sucks to be an old school girl in a techy world.

You loved me cause I'm Fragile

2011-12-05T07:35:00.000-08:00

when I thought that I was strong

In you..the earth

2011-12-02T21:02:00.000-08:00

Little
rose,
roselet,
at times,
tiny and naked,
it seems
as though you would fit
in one of my hands,
as though I’ll clasp you like this
and carry you to my mouth,
but
suddenly
my feet touch your feet and my mouth your lips:
you have grown,
your shoulders rise like two hills,
your breasts wander over my breast,
my arm scarcely manages to encircle the thin
new-moon line of your waist:
in love you have loosened yourself like sea water:
I can scarcely measure the sky’s most spacious eyes
and I lean down to your mouth to kiss the earth.

You Had Me at....

2011-11-22T20:12:00.001-08:00

“The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy.”

- Yves Saint Laurent

Yasin....Mos def...doesnt matter...love this.

2011-11-20T17:47:00.001-08:00

You Had Me at....

2011-11-19T15:55:00.001-08:00

„Men of genius are admired, men of wealth are envied, men of power are feared; but only men of character are trusted.“
– Alfred Adler

I read something tonight....

2011-11-15T21:22:00.000-08:00

that has really affected me....
like for real for real...
it was the blog of a friend...younger than I am...
who has done in her life all the things ive wanted to do...
and i realize that I've lived my life.....guided by Fear..
Not the irrational kind..
Ive done the right reasonable things based on careful painstaking THOUGHT!
decisions thought through to the very end....to make the best rational decision.
Theres nothing wrong with that...
but Ive denied myself...the opportunity to do EXACTLY what i want...
there's always been a reason to NOT be the emotional, do things on a fancy part of my self...
In fact the last thing i did on a whim was pierce my navel umpteen years ago...
In light of the economy and all the other things up in the air in this life...
this is probably not the best time...to give care to the wind...
and live the life not planned...
Ive been relying on JUST myself for so long...that I felt that I had to be consistent to make sure that I...me Clivia....would be my own safety net..
Cause LORD knows...i cant count on anyone else...
i still feel like that...

So I've been thinking through my worst case scenarios recently.....
and....

Listen to what it is...
I would go back home to Tobago...to live...get this...with my parents ...who are the coolest ever. I would start dancing again, and pan...and writing. Help my mom with her event planning business. Go with my dad to dj at events, go the beach, re-connect with my best friends. Be a part of my sister's life and have a real relationship with my nieces and nephews.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME???

No really?
that's the WORST CASE!!!

really?

it's obliterated my fear....OBLITERATED!

a fearless Clivia is Entirely Powerful....

I love it.

I have a pattern..always fall for your type....

2011-11-15T19:12:00.000-08:00

I let people steal my energy...
I submit....and don't even realize that I'm doing it?
The very thing...that drew them to me....i give over cause I believe i should compromise for those i love.

FUCK

THAT

SHIT!!

I'm pretty awesome.....i'm not being cocky...lol. I am ...:)

and loving you doesn't mean I let you treat me like I'm way LESS awesome than I am...:)

You Had Me at....

2011-11-13T06:08:00.001-08:00

In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.
_anonymous_

Full moon

2011-11-11T17:17:00.001-08:00

Maybe. Its not to be. Maybe

There is nothing...

2011-11-08T06:30:00.000-08:00

like driving on the highway....singing your favorite song out loud...to remind you that...everything is replaceable...nothing is permanent...even your mood...and that thing that seems like the focus of your world...it can all SHIFT!!

thanks Estelle ..:)

so

2011-11-05T17:46:00.000-07:00

I've been cheating on Blogger with tumblr.
Probably because it was just easy to reblog someone else...to use a picture to display how i was feeling than to make MYSELF WRITE ABOUT IT...
but its not working...i need to vent..
i used to think this blog was like everything else ..
a kinda popularity contest...especially since i know who my readers were..well some of you..
figured out ...recently...that its not about you guys...with all due respect....
i need to vent....so i dont combust..i dont know if that makes me a writer or not..
i don't really care. I used to dance my worries away as a kid....and since I dont do that anymore....this must be it.
it was the main reason anyways....so ill use the tumblr for when I cant speak YET...
and use this for what it was intended...
for me to talk through my tangled thought ad end up hopefully at clarity....

Being Pisces sucks sometimes

2011-11-05T16:22:00.000-07:00

we have the tendency…to turn an idea or situation around and around in our heads…
looking at it from very possible angle…
replaying every possible outcome….
and deduce from all this information…all the possible HIDDEN truths that that ONE situation could possibly convey…
and BROOD on it for ever..
I’ve been in the midst of this “Brooding” for days…and cannot wait for me to get to the stage where i get the hell over it…..
Hopefully tonight….where instead of sitting in silence and having my thought run ape shit through my head…I can be distracted by some Loud trinidadians who wont leave any space…for brooding..
and yeah..
Im back..:)

Random Thoughts of the day

2011-06-15T08:27:00.000-07:00

1. Why does it take mediatakeout so long to update in the morning? And what kind of person am I if the website i check right after CNN is Mediatakeout? hmmmm?
2. What the hell do they put in My Dunkin Donuts Coffee? That second sip is as close to ____________ well...you know. What the hell is in it?
3. Am I the only one who wonders why the car behind is so close? And have they been following me this long? OMG they turned off right behind me too?
4. Does Coffee make you paranoid?
5. Can I tell that lady that she cannot wear short skirts without stocking anymore? You CANT lady...you cant anymore. You used to before but for the LOVE OF CHEESE, please cover that uppppp!!

Have a nice day!

I’ll see you soon…

2011-06-07T06:59:00.001-07:00

I carry you in my heart,

genuine laughter, straight from the soul and carried by the belly,
the smell of clean washed earth by rain as mysterious as the sunshine it conquered,
the imagery of pouii, strong and stately, the harbinger of days indoors, and imagined stories come full to life…
I carry you in my skin,
the KNOWING of where I am,
To be known, to be connected eternally, organically,
i remember you in my smile, my very voice..
a call to the altar of remembrance,
i hope it shines from me , shines like a warm tropical light…
i hope it floats from me…
like a perfume, identifying me…and claiming others,
I miss you today„,
I feel you on my skin
Ill see you soon …
Tobago..

No Words Tuesday.....

2011-05-24T05:19:00.000-07:00

oh she may be weary
them young girls they do get weary
wearing that same old miniskirt dress
but when she gets weary
you try a little tenderness
oh man that
un hunh

i know shes waiting
just anticipating
the thing that you'll never never possess
no no no
but while she there waiting
try just a little bit of tenderness
thats all you got to do
now it might be a little bit sentimental no
but she has her greavs and care
but the soft words they are spoke so gentle
yeah yeah yeah
and it makes it easier to bear
oh she wont regret it
no no
them young girls they dont forget it
love is their whole happiness
yeah yeha yeah
but its all so easy
all you got to do is try
try a little tenderness
yeah
ain't that hart

all you got to do is know how to love her
you've got to
hold her
squeeze her
never leave her
now get to her
got got got to try a little tenderness
yeah yeah
lord have mercy now
all you got to do is take my advice
you've got to hold her
don't squeeze her
never leave her
you've got to hold her
and never
so you got to try a little tenderness
a little tenderness
a little tenderness
a little tenderness
you've got to
got to got to
you've gotta hold her
don't squeeze her
never leaver her
you got
got got got to
now now now
got got got to
try a little tenderness
ye

I feel Pretty.....:)

2011-05-23T08:19:00.000-07:00

A random stranger made me smile today.
I've been ignoring myself....is that possible?..

...well yes I have...
I've been ignoring my emotional self....and focusing on what I need and Must do....
and been assuming that everyone else has been ignoring me too...

Thank you random Guy..
for making a girl feel a little special today ...

:)

and just like that...

2011-05-17T11:32:00.000-07:00

Thank god for places to Vent....

and Adele

and Music taking you out of yourself so you can see a LARGER picture..

The awesomeness that is Adele - Rolling in the Deep

Sometimes they just don't love you...ENOUGH...

2011-05-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

Today i feel, weak, and alone, and disconnected from ...well... it doesn't matter.
Its lonely and I try to reach out and I find air and glass.
It's worse because I'm making these huge decisions ...these scary, faith motivated moves based on my heart...and my Head is screaming at me...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??
So while I'm trying to run to Love...I see it behind a wall of plastic blocks..muddled and distorted when it was once a mirror, glass, air..
anyway...

things I feel RIGHT THIS MINUTE:
Everyone has an agenda. EVERYONE. The trick is to understand what the motivation is for their agenda as it pertains to you.
Love is not free...it costs...and the currency is SOULS.
Fear is a motivator...but it shouldn't be your director.
The people who you love have the most power to hurt you. Most times the risk is worth it. Some times its not.
Loneliness will not kill you...Being ALONE may crush you...
Hold on to the guy/girl who loves you MORE when you are not at your most amazing, or funny, or strong, or rational or creative. Hold on Forever!
Sometimes you must let everything Go. Let it go. Let it go.
Fantasy can feed you heart.....reality can crush it.
Sometimes they just don't love you...ENOUGH...
Don't listen to Adele's "Lovesong" when you feel weak or disconnected.

Captain Save a HO

2011-05-06T06:40:00.000-07:00

I've been learning some strange lessons this week..no this month...
and I hope I've finally accepted this Basic truth...
that men ..
good or bad...
loved,or not loved any more
new, old...
soul mates
and
Incompatibles...
They're still men...
and at their core will always be "MEN"

I need to stop idolizing them..
and romanticizing my connections
and reassess what my expectations of a man in my life should be...
that

my Fricking Prince Charming...

My Captain Save A HO?

has to be

ME.

Edit: It's the saddest thing Ever. Ever.

The worst emotion...ever

2011-05-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

i think...
i can live with Fear..
I KNOW i can live with anger...
its like a fuel that keeps you slim and your mind focused...

i CANNOT
cannot F&CKING LIVE with feeling vulnerable...
it is the BANE of my existence..
i hate being insecure..
or being unsure of where i stand....
i wish i could rip it out of myself and replace it with something else..

2011-05-02T12:14:00.000-07:00

Didn't I give it all?

Tried my best,

Gave you everything I had,

Everything and no less,

Didn't I do it right?

Did I let you down?

Maybe you got too use to,

Having me around,

Still, how can you walk away,

From my tears?

It's gonna be an empty road,

Without me right here,

But go on and take it,

Take it all with you,

Don't look back,

At this crumbling fool,

Just take it all,

With my love,

Take it all,

With my love,

Maybe I should leave,

To help you see,

Nothing is better than this,

And this is everything we need,

So is it over?

Is this really it?

You're giving up so easily,

I thought you loved me more than this,

But go on, go on and take it,

Take it all with you,

Don't look back,

At this crumbling fool,

Just take it all,

With my love,

Take it all,

With my love,

I will change if I must,

Slow it down and bring it home,

I will adjust,

Oh, if only,

If only you knew,

Everything I do,

Is for you,

But go on, go on and take it,

Take it all with you,

Don't look back,

At this crumbling fool,

Just take it,

Take it all with you,

Don't look back,

At this crumbling fool,

Just take it all,

With my love,

Take it all,

With my love,

Take it all,

With my love.

If the O'Jays sang it....It must be True...

2011-04-08T11:04:00.000-07:00

A friend of mine...well someone I thought was my friend, has apparently been saying some maybe truthful, but definitely hurtful things about me to some mutual friends.

That's really nothing new for me...but this person in particular I always believed would tell me the unkind things directly to my face if she felt it needed to be said.

I expected Hard truth from her...but Directly...not a susu.

I think...I KNOW..
.I'm more upset at having to hear these things from someone else, than even the CONTENT of what was said.

I could give a RATS ASS about her or their opinion of me and my life and choices. Shit everyone is entitled to their opinion...and not many people have been allowed to see the true interior of my life.

But I think I just lost a Hero...a personal one.

I expected better!

Steups...anyways...this inspired your music track today.

I think this is one of the most haunting tracks to exist EVER. I don't think you can listen to this and forget it...regardless of the lyrics.

I ran into this today because I was listening to Angie Stone' I wish Didn't Miss You, which is a powerful version too.

(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)

All you fellows who have someone and you really care, yeah, yeah
Then it's all of you fellows who better beware, yeah yeah

Somebody's out to get your lady
A few of your buddies they sure look shady
Blades are long, clenched tight in their fist
Aimin' straight at your back
And I don't think they'll miss

(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)

I keep gettin' all these visits from my friends, yeah, what they doin to me
They come to my house again and again and again and again, yeah
So are they there to see my woman
I don't even be home but they just keep on comin'
What can I do to get on the right track
I wish they'd take some of these knives off my back

(They smile in your face)
All the time they want to take your place
The back stabbers (back stabbers)
Low down... dirty...

(What they do!)
(They smile in your face)
Smiling faces... smiling faces sometimes tell lies (Back stabbers)
(They smile in your face)
I don't need... low down, dirty bastards (Back stabbers)

The Argument for Cloning - And on on the anniversary of his Birth, and Death

2011-04-01T11:54:00.000-07:00

Born on April 2nd, Died on April 1st, Cyper, Circle...what ever you want to call it.

Thanks for the JOY Marvin. Thanks for the JOY!!

is this how it goes??? The Mind of a Man

2011-03-29T17:37:00.000-07:00

Really?

Hilarious. Please check out his blog too here.

Listen with my eyes closed.....Paper Gangsta

2011-03-25T08:55:00.000-07:00

So ..outside of her outrageous outfits and her surprisingly amazing insightful interview, Lady Gaga has kinda stayed off My personal radar. Partly because she reminds me of Marilyn Manson...as a woman...which somehow is scarier..

Anyways..Pandora threw her into my playlist this morning...Specifically...Paper Gangsta....

My head was down and I was working and listening....but paying attention to the lyrics..

This SONG IS HARD!!!!!

oh my god...its not scary metaphoric trite not my experience lyrics either ...

it Goes:

midnight rush, with a pen in my hand
inkin' lincoln, sand-script with a fan
remembering me, before we began
sometimes I felt so def in the jam

but the ones who loved me, told me to stop
like homegirl can't catch shit if it drop
a superwoman chick, you know that I am
some shit don't fly by me in a man

'cause I do not accept any less
than someone just as real, as fabulous

don't want no paper gangsta
won't sign away my life to
someone whose got the flavor
but don't have no follow through
don't want no paper gangsta
won't sign no monkey papers
I don't do funny business
not interested in fakers

OMG...that hook is amazing.
I love the lack of music in the verses...its a plain piano chord...

Sometimes I feel so Def in the JAM?? WTH??
Is she Eminem's sister? Did she grow up in the Bronx? Does she write her own stuff?

Homegirl can't catch shit if it drop??
HUH? WHO IS THIS??? DOES SHE WRITE HER OWN LYRICS?????

Wont sign no Monkey papers.....
Won't sign away my life to someone who's got the flavor
but don't have no follow through....
thats a line Mary J. Blige would say back in the day...before she got happy and all..but thats another story.

got something really shiny to start
want me to sign there on your range rover heart
I've heard it before, yeah, the dinners were nice
'til your diamond words melted into some ice
you should been rapping to the beat of my song
mr. california, paper gangsta raw
I'm looking for love, not an empty page
full of stuff that means nothing but "you've been played

ollo?
its TLC...in spandex...
Where the hell have I been?
and I'm serious I need to know if she writes her own stuff before I begin this GIRL CRUSH

So I guess I Can do Gaga...
I just have to ignore the videos....
and listen with my eyes closed..

Fresh Water Yankee...

2011-03-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

I heard my voice today..

i heard my own tongue speak words that seemed alien to my ears...

I listened to the cadence...

to the measure of it....

and felt like I had betrayed...Myself...

like I've been infected with a germ of my own choosing...

like i had hidden my BELONGING....

the last outward vestige of my identity...

believing it to be temporary....

fooling myself that it would be only temporary..

that the immediate priority is to PASS...

I heard my voice today...

the hills and valleys of my life..

RAZED by assimilation.....

muddied by an inferior dialect that knew nothing

of color and identity in the context that was my birthright...

I listened to my voice today...

and i was an alien to myself..

I was ashamed.

Searching....Squared - Hip Hop loves Roy Ayers

2011-03-23T08:20:00.000-07:00

Roy Ayers - Searching is the uniting thread

The Original Panty Droppas

Pete Rock and CL Smooth

OMG...so. Private memory.

I soo used to imagine CL smooth was talking to me...

Check the Lyrics after the jump...you'll understand

DON"T JUDGE ME!!! ..

and

now

Proof - On a J Dilla Produced Track

[CL Smooth]

You're everything that I dream about, talk about

Walk around and brag about, cause I don't give a damn about

What they say, what he say, or she say

I'm addicted like drugs to your loving, but hey

You got me strung like I'm young and it's crazy

You're making me nervous, I don't deserve this, I'm Swayze

I wish I could be but you really got a hold on me

With your sex appeal, I'm telling you how I feel, shit is real

Now I don't really want to play myself so I say to myself:

"Son get a grip and don't slip"

Cause I don't want you to think I'm some clown from out of town

I get down, I've been around, I ain't no hand-me-down

So you gotta show respect for me if you're checking for me

And don't sweat me cause I really don't want no sweat on me

If you got it, good, flaunt it

You know what it takes and you know how I want it

(I know how you want it) Don't tease me, just please me

(I know how you want it) Now what you gonna do when you get it? (Repeat 2x)

Everybody knows you and they show you mad respect

You give me funny feelings with your million-dollar step

Never quiet is kept, honey always stayed dip

I'm thirsty for your love, sugar can I get a sip?

Well maybe just a taste in the place that make your face bend

And I would never try to kick it to your best friend

So what's the deal, what's the haps, where we at now?

Keeping it strong, moving it along, I'm here to show you how

So all I wanna know is what you really wanna do

I try to flex for sex and sex unless I'm sexing you

And I'll be swimming in some trim with a beachfront view

Cause all I wanna do is get next to you

Now leave your crew so we can step into my hideaway

So I can step into it right away

If you got it, good, flaunt it

You know what it takes and you know how I want it

(I know how you want it) Don't tease me, just please me

(I know how you want it) Now what you gonna do when you get it? (Repeat 2x)

Before you sit back and think I ain't saying nothing

You need to sit back and think about what I'm saying

Now relaying, my carmel flow

So you can see the arrow fly before it leaves the bow

Slow like Cupid, taken from a mobster

At night I crack her open just like a lobster

(My CL Smooth) It's all good baby

Now you know why I'm stressed when you act shady

Sometimes you chit chat, now and then hide the cat

When all I wanna do is just flip that

But there's a side to me only you can see

Only you can so believe in your man

I want you to love me in a special way

When I come home from making lucci to parlay

If you got it, good, flaunt it

You know what it takes and you know how I want it

(I know how you want it) Don't tease me, just please me

(I know how you want it) Now what you gonna do when you get it? (Repeat 4x)

TATTOOED! cant get this out of my head today

2011-03-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

Woke up..with this song in my head....

This is what happens when you fall asleep with pandora playing..

Apparently these guys didnt do videos...

Steups..

The Isley Brothers Sample makes my heart hurt..

The hook.....well...just seems to damn personal...

That's a marker of a good song right?

EDIT..I don't consider Dwele a super singer [Ducks head like Luther or ...Stevie - see the comparison??]
but his first vocal on this track is amazing..
esp since the mish mosh of sample and vocals of the hook are so strong...
His first intro here is clean and clear..i like

Slum Village Featuring Dwele.. Lyrics after the Jump

Call Me :

Chorus:

All that I want is to show you love

All I got to do is find the time

So when can I see you? (I see you love)

I know what you want

I know what you babe

Verse 1:

Yeah yeah hit my ring ring call me

I know I'm always busy sorry and

we don't even see each other much hardly

it never stopped me from girl thinkin bout your body

swear to God, she's so sexy.

Thinkin to myself the lord must've blessed me many times

I wrote many verses girl, many lines about you & me,

us together intertwined.

On some serious shit,

girl you got a nigga st-stuttering.

Got me on some long term thinkin other than.

On some diamond ring shit.

Girl smotherin, we be talkin on the late nights.

Takin trips to see each other on the long flights.

Spending tour money on you girl I don't mind.

But it's been a minute girl, you been on my mind.

Call me.

Chorus

Verse 2:

We brought each other pain, fought with in a brawl with our fists

Yellin, niggas could hear us through the walls & the bricks

Sayin what we don't mean

Stabbin each other in the heart through the back

And actin like the cuts just don't sting me neither

See the sun but the clouds make it smoky

You was my down chick when others just went down on me

Must've saw something in me to wanna birth my first

You changed my mind about raising a child on a earth that's cursed

Wonder where we went wrong when the thing's so right

When our future looked brighter than casino lights lit on the strip

In the bed you shocked me, bit on your lip

Sex was tighter than a leather outfit on a gimp

Was our feelins supposed to disappear the minute we kept, lost

Started out on a good foot then we eventually stepped off

Or is it just troubles that couples go through?

Mad on the phone can't hang up

But I'm hung up on you

Give me a call

Chorus

Are we in love?

Is it possible to have love within this relationship?

Cause now that I got the time

You should call me tonight

And I'll be alright oohh

Everyword in this songs gonna be about you....

2011-03-01T18:21:00.001-08:00

LORD FATHER! HELP I

2011-03-01T17:43:00.000-08:00

The Temptation...

it is so strong...

im finding it hard to remember WHYYY i wanna grow my hair..again?

anyone? anyone? Huh?

anyone??

On Romance ....courtesy Love Jones..

2011-03-01T08:26:00.000-08:00

I love the Movie...and I love these lines..and

cause....cause I Just wanted to. :)..Plus Pandora chose the album for me this morning...

Hollywood: I don't need poetry to get women.
Sheila Downes: No, you need a personality to get woman.
Savon Garrison: Try a breath mint and a visa.

You’re stompin down the street like somebody stole you’re fuckin bike!

All of this people running around here jumping, skipping, falling in love…falling in love ain’t shit. Somebody talk to Me PLEASE about how to stay there…

Savon Garrison: When a man gets a hard on, you know where the blood come from, right? You know where the blood come from, right? His head and his feet. So A - he's stupid and B - he can't run.

Nina Mosley: You always want what you want when you want it. Why is everything so urgent with you?

Darius Lovehall: Let me tell you somethin'. This here, right now, at this very moment, is all that matters to me. I love you. That's urgent like a motherfucker.

ROMANCE…is about the possibility of the thing.
From the time when you first meet some fine ass woman…
To the time you make love to her.
From the time you first propose to her.
To the time you say i do. When people who have been together for a long time say that the romance is dead….nuh uh……they just EXHAUSTED THE POSSIBILITIES

Somethings coming..

2011-03-01T07:31:00.001-08:00

wonder what it is???

Scuse me....Real Talk....PBP

2011-02-27T15:11:00.000-08:00

Even when he was loving you....he was loving me

Even when he was F^(&king you...he was thinking about me..

He need an exorcism to get rid of me...

and sorry love ...you don't even have that degree...

We connected more than you can ever see

beyond you beyond him beyond me.

Searching for attention..

you only feeding the need for me..

So keep bringing the temper tantrums

and the scenes that drive him to me.

we connected on a level that you cant see..

So bring the shit...you just driving him to me..

Reasons for the Big Chop....NSFW

2011-02-08T15:27:00.000-08:00

Hi.

This video is hilarious....I love it.

Who Gon Check Me Boo??

2011-01-14T08:03:00.000-08:00

Apparently Diss records are back...Maybe they never left...but I always thought the cleverest of "Disses"...diss-i?? [sp] were the ones where you had to figure out exactly what was being said...peel back the layers to find the truth and still have to wonder if you were correct or not.

A BLATANT attack on someone - Tacky, un-cute, un sexy.

Call out their NAME directly. Brave yes...but not as ..."clever" ...well at least in My eyes.

THIS..track is MY favorite diss track ever... If you can even call it that...No names are called. The Guilty Know who they are. My Favorite line is...

I am distinguishably deeper as opposed to the paper-thin

And I breathe oxygen, and you rhymin bout rocks again

Brilliant!

I love Cee - Lo.

Mm hmm

Ok, Ok

Yeah

Y'all thought I lost it

[Verse One: Cee-Lo]

In no fashion have I lost my passion for the pen

It's just that lately life has been a lost less inspirin

To tell you the truth trials and tribulations is very tirin

I gotta play a little game of gimmick and gunfirin

I'm not aspiring to be any lower or higher than,

I get equal as in eye to eye again

I'm the truth, I'm complicated I'm all ready but try again

I've got to die once to never ever die again

And what I believe within I engrave within my skin

And one thang that I ain't is a saint without a sin

How could there be a now if there never was a then?

That is unbalanced just like the yang without the yen

I am distinguishably deeper as opposed to the paper-thin

And I breathe oxygen, and you rhymin bout rocks again

You stagnant, standing still enough to feel the world spin

I'm beginning to smell the end in the path of the blowing wind

Hopefully I'm fortunate enough to spend forever with a friend

I'm slow dancing with destiny every day until then

When I first got my big break I said that I would never bend

And discredit my character to keep up or contend

And my belief beat baseline secrete such a special blend

I am not like them at all and I cannot pretend

I am not like you at all and I cannot pretend.

[Hook]

DAMN

That shit was funky

You heard that nigga?

DAMN

(yup, c'mon)

I get off on an extension or compare comprehension

I'm in a classroom of my own, I'm too far gone for competition

Yet I'm never obnoxious with my obvious ambition

Perfectly imperfect is my dimension's definition

I engage my pen pierces the page so that it bleeds my intention

With honorable mention of God's divine intervention

I'm incredible I'm inevitable and there's no possible prevention

I'll hardly (have to) scream my dream and I'll have your undivided attention

The powers that be will be beaten into submission

And you will be able to see my revolution on television

You'll get an aneurysm fuckin around with my head on collision

With the power to get you dead and half the dead risen

I remember when my development was arrested

I was doin time on my mind misguided and misdirected

I was sick, so sick if I spoke to you you'd be infected

Then my conscience was cleared of all charges and I came out corrected

Reinvented, refined, replenished and well rested

On a mission for a medium to manifest the thoughts I collected

After that everything I breathed upon, I blessed it

I committed crimes of passion and my soul was suspected

But it was thrown out of court because of course the Creator and I connected

He told me, "fear not for thou art protected. Your life is being requested

And you are being tested, so make every attempt you can to expect the unexpected."

[Hook]

Mm mm mm

Boy that Lo boy

DAMN

Oh Lawd

Cee-Lo why you do it like that?

You aint have to bustin all like that, man

Makin these lil rappers feel like they can't rap

DAMN

I got some more, I got some more if you want some.

I am internally evolving entirely

Extensive eclectic expression eloquently

Instantly innovative, Courageously creative

I'm driven, this God given gift it comes naturally to the native

Not a need for the dramatics or the systematic

Simplicities, strictly science and mathematics

The mastermind of the mighty mystical and magical moves

And metaphors manifests masterpieces

Thoroughly fury through the inner mind's eye establishes this syn-thesis

Of these innermost, insightful, intriguing interpretations of extreme intelligence

My commonsense is no co-incidence

Caution: competitors approach carefully

I'm able to see

Rare ranges of distance, I expect respect

There's no tolerance for negligence, never

You'll forever

Feel the wrath of the pure and powerful poetry, permanently

Pre-meditative, political, critical, compellin, story-tellin

Defining desire, faith fuelin the fire

Brilliance, pro-blackness, philosophical, psychological willingly waging warfare,

Withstandin, commandin, demandin the listening ears to hear what God's forcin

Instead endorsin education. Equality, not hate

Just revolution of the mind state

Note mere words but emotions

Which is essential, influential provin my people's potential

Militancy, innocence, insight, listen to God then write

Since my birth date I been tight!

Shit

[Hook]

Now I don't want never hear nobody else say

goddamn a nigga from the South can't rhyme

NEVER!

DAMN

Hehehe...Now can I do my shit??

NO Words...

2011-01-13T19:41:00.000-08:00

Source

Sometimes you stumble across Gems..:)

Beautiful..

2011-01-12T19:19:00.000-08:00

I am not a hanger...

I am not angled shoulders made for hanging fabulous garments on..

I am not a statued physique...

I am a curve,

a continued slope of flesh and fat..

an undulation of body..

no straight lines..

I am pout and push...

give and return..

my symmetry circular..does not easily conform to the demands of fashion

and yet...

I am forever

Beautiful

Far Away - no words needed

2011-01-05T18:44:00.000-08:00

Brave. Honest. Strong.

Lost One - D'angelo Live - Untitled

2011-01-02T19:00:00.000-08:00

Whew.

Jesus.

Trying to compose myself here..

Yeah...so

Yeah..

D'Angelo.

Another Teaser.

Lost One.

Just blew our minds...and vanished.

Anyways.

Yeah.

So Yeah.

DAMN. GOOD GODDAMN.

Yeah

Enjoy.

And the Male background voice you're hearing IS Anthony Hamilton.

Everybody loves the Sunshine

2011-01-02T12:33:00.000-08:00

One of the most sampled songs on the Universe.
.Completely reflects my mood today...

If I can have a day like this ...80% of the time for the new year...I'll be content.

Hope your day feels like its in the Sunshine..

My life, my life, my life, my life
In the sunshine...
sunshine, sunshine
Everybody loves the
Everybody loves the
  sunshine, sunshine
sunshine, sunshine
Folk's get brown in 
Folk's get down in the sunshine

Just bee's and thangs and flowers
thangs and flowers
Just bee's and
Just bee's and thangs and flowers
Just bee's and
  thangs and flowers

My life, my life, my life, my life
In the sunshine...

Folks get down in the sunshine, sunsh
Everybody loves the sunshine, sunshine
Everybody loves the sunshine, sunshin
eine
Folks get brown in the sunshine

Feel what I feel, what I feel, what I feel what I'm feelin
In the sunshine
I'm doing
In the sunshine
Do what I do what I do what I do
Feel what I feel, what I feel, what I feel, what I'm feelin
In the sunshine
Do what I do what I do what I do what what I'm doing
In the sunshine

Everybody loves the sunshine
Sunshine...

So you Dissed us...Again..

2011-01-02T11:05:00.000-08:00

You know...I have friends who laugh at me cause I've been holding on to the "hope"

Cause I didn't want to let you go.

They say..she's gone cliv..

she's BEEN gone cliv.

Just last WEEK...see? I was waiting for you..

and its not just me...
Check this out Questions for Lauryn.

So Obviously...its NOT JUST ME..

and then..

You do THIS????

THIS?

THREE hours waiting for you to show?

when People were salivating ...finally..a return..

sigh..

Trite. That's what i call it. TRITE

Huh? Huh?

What the ^*() happened to you?

People go through shit in there lives. That's just how it is.

And in terms of privilege and options...YOU HAVE PLENTY.

GET THE FUCK OVER IT!

C'mon.

And shit. You can't be stressed out AND FLY!?????

you were effortlessly fly ...even before Fame came to you...

what the HELL is this???

Huh?

Say What Now?

To whom much is given..much is required...

Not even for me...for us..who could feel they were in the presence of something great, something amazing...but for YOU!!

Dammit...you're too good to become a pretentious, self justifying.......sigh..

Steups.

I give up.

I'll talk about the ONE THAT ALMOST WAS to my kids...

as proof that our generation could produce GREAT SINGULAR VOICES....

the real ones..are few and far between...

But you keep spitting on the ones that WANT TO CLAIM YOU!

Sigh..

I think you Lost another One.

I'm A rock Star!!

2011-01-02T10:05:00.000-08:00

I got Featured as Natural Belle of the Week!! I'm a rock STAR!!
I read this Blog daily! A british Blogger...i love to listen to her on youtube too..A chocolate natural with fashion sense Bar none.
In the picture my hair got that long last time because i braided it for four months. This time I'm just going to leave it alone...and NOT MESS WITH IT!! It grows in that shape naturally...which I love...But i wish i could wake up tomorrow with 4 inches of new growth on my head.Sigh.'In the meantime I'll keep checking Natural Belle's blog for hairinspirations!Make sure you check it out too.Now i really have to stick to my guns. I can't disappoint the stans! ;)I'm gonna update my Hair progress here....away from the other RAMBLES!!
Happy New Year People.No Resolutions...just Affirmations..

Random Thoughts Today...

2010-12-30T09:05:00.000-08:00

Do Prisoners get to go online?? Should they? I mean they can do research on their case right? and wouldn't it be cool if they could use Skype to call their family of they run out of Phone cards or credits or whatever gets them access to the collect phone call? Wouldn't it be cool if they could write a blog about their life inside? Or write letters to their Kids and wives on the outside??
Its so funny when you release things or people from you, immediately you start receiving energy that maybe had been there all along...??
I wish I were at the beach. I keep having dreams of sunburn and LOVING IT.
Is anybody REALLY working at their desk today?? like REALLY? FOR real for real??
I think i FINALLY have a game plan for my return to the "Place".<----- More on that in the New Year.
I have PLANS for the Old Year/New Year night. Kinda bubble gut, nerve wracking plans...but its exciting...
And Finally: I'm posting this..cause...I love the song, I love the singer..the video is awesome...and the lyrics are amazing..and shit i like it.. and I've been listening to it all day..so let everybody else suffer too.'

Morning World...

The Ones that Need Help...

2010-12-29T21:27:00.000-08:00

This Heffer here. Her and Lauryn. sigh...

This chick proves my theory....that true talent..they all have some other thing missing to COMPENSATE for that. It's the reason theyre all called tortured artists. She is so amazingly blessed with her voice....and the rest of her life is SHIT.

sigh...

I just wanna see her live...ONCE.

Sometimes...

2010-12-29T20:29:00.000-08:00

we forget who we are...

sometimes..

we drift...

from the center point which is our very essence

we get swept up in the tide of life...

rudderless...

anchor upheaved....

and then finally...we look around and have no idea how the hell we got there..

take the time people..

take the time to remember what you've wanted for yourself..

outside of what your family expected...

outside of what the rest of the crew is doing...

outside of what the next step SHOULD be..

take the time to listen to what your heart wants...

and then do yourself the HONOR

of following that course...

Chase it.

it may bring you all the other things that will anchor you again..

and if it doesn't...

you will know that you tried to be the YOU that you dreamed of..

Shut up and Say Thank you....huh?

2010-12-29T07:17:00.000-08:00

Is it even possible to do both??

Its so funny..

within hours of each other ..I was told by two Men..

could you just Shut up and Say thank you??

Hahaha...both these guys have been friends of mine for a loooong time

And strangely enough they still like me..:) anyways,

I'm talking to SB yesterday that I haven't seen IN PERSON in a about a few years..

and he says

"In the new year you should come visit LA..

you'd be a rare sight around here...a Petite Natural Chocolate Island Girl..."

and then he closes with:

"Plus I haven't seen your sexy ass in a long time...I want to compare the pics to the real thing...cause FB and Photoshop is the Devil." hahaha

Anyways...I immediately go into...
" I used to be sexy...back in the day....the aaww Shucks mentality nah..blah blah blah...

First he gets quiet

So quiet I think he hung up..

.....I go Hello??

then he says
..Cliv....[dude can call me cliv..I only let certain people call me that]

anyways..he goes:

Cliv...could you stop with that Shit??

I say your sexy..Shut the &)*U() up and say..

"Why Thank you"

I'm not stupid and I have good taste...are you telling me I'm stupid?

So I'm back pedalling now cause it sounds like I pissed him off..

I answer...meekly..well as meekly as I ever get....

"No...far from that..."

cause dude is NOT...far from that..

"So when I ...or any man gives you a compliment..
especially if you consider him an intelligent man"

SHUT THE F^&*(& up..and say Thank you.!

*dead*
iDied
hahahaaaa...put mi in my blasted place..

Ladies...

Learn how to take a compliment..

or a dude might cuss you out

SB - I know you're reading this..:)

and just because..
Cause some Men Mean what the SAY.. ;)

Loving you is Like a Battle...and we both end up with scars

2010-12-26T22:22:00.000-08:00

sigh. iCANT.

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both end up with scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Hook:
No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Repeat Hook

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

I miss my Daddy - Easy like Sunday Morning

2010-12-26T21:06:00.000-08:00

I think my dad is what fostered my love for music. I miss him today. This is one of his favorite songs. And he would sing it whenever he heard it. MIND you he is completely tone deaf ..lol..so it would always set me off giggling like crazy. I heard this today because of the JUMBIE computer..

His favorite verse is the second one:

Why in the world would anybody put chains on me, I've made my deals to make it, Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be., I'm not happy when I try to fake it..

Love you Daddy. :)

I'm homesick.

thats my dad with my older sister Giselle ;)

The Challenge

2010-12-26T20:10:00.000-08:00

Contrary to popular belief, I'm a low maintenance type of girl.

So on top of the fact that In my life my hair has only grown when I cant TOUCH IT..i.e braids..

High School...LAUGH ALL YU WANT! after 6 months of Braiding.

I actually had curls...that were longer but i cut them with paper scissors cause i wanted a specific shape

so I'm not tempted to cut or color it, Ive been wearing my hair short forever so that I have no need to maintain it.

TEMPORARY hair...lol..

I'm going natural. AGAIN.

lol. well I'm trying...AGAIN.

The bald head is easy for me because i just go to the barber for a tape and a shape up..and im out the door.

SCRAPED clean..

Twenty minutes more sleep in the morning and uhm i dont even know if I own a comb anymore..hmm..

Anyways...I want an afro..lol. I do. I do I do.

So..ive issued a challenge to myself..

Im not going to trim, color, shape or otherwise MESS with my hair until March.

Thats a few months right?

sigh...That's a long time for me.

I don't blame myself completely for this constant need to reinvent myself.

In terms of hair, my mom - a hairdresser at a stage in her life - would change her hair on a whim.

She's done it all and back, sometimes in the same week.

I have a case of idle hands....

I sometimes stand in the mirror thinking ..hmm what can i try today..

But Ive made a bet with my cousin...a challenge i should say...to get to my birthday without a trim, a rinse, a shape up [which inevitably ends in a CUT!] to see what would happen if i just left my hair alone.

Mohawk cut, Blondish Color & Texturizer...

anyways.

Day one of the challenge.

wish me luck

Can. Not. Wait.

2010-12-25T20:06:00.000-08:00

Soo homesick..Merry Christmas

2010-12-24T16:58:00.000-08:00

Life can be so cyclical. This is a post from my other blog....but Once again i feel the same way. This time though I actually found the song that I've been singin in my head all day...and back then too...

Can somebody play some parang??? SomeSignal Hill Alumni..."christmas coming yeah yeah yeah yeahhhh yeahhhhhhh "....

Im longing to hear bamboo bursting in the cool afternoons...When the days cleaning would finally slow down and the smell of lemon pledge and wood varnish would float out on the night air...

Im longing to smell fresh bread baking in the mornings...and see loaves of bread and sweetbread covered with towels and cooling on the counter. The days when pans of fruit sit soaking in rum....when the press for the pastels become the most prized possession and a day is dedicated to oiling it just right.... When the big decisions become...Olives or no...??

Im longing to walk into the market and smell the apples and grapes and pears on sale and KNOW...yes its Christmas in Trinidad... With vendors harassing you to buy their wares....when one just down the street would be selling the same thing...

I want to hear the box base and guitars playing in the neighbours house and know that soon it will be our turn to be the host.....When the rum in abundance in the cupboard will emerge...and the bucket of ice filled and the nuts and walnuts laid out....Its not Christmas without the cheese snacks for the kids...and the black cake for the adults.

OOOh that black cake....the recipes guarded like a honored possession...where sisters can tell the difference in who made the "batch" that were eating now....

I want to smell the ham baking in the oven...where children and adults alike keep turning the light on to peep at the skin...caramelizing in the oven...knowing that still there would be a wait while it cooled....but hoping that you were lucky enough to be around for the sample...

Can you remember the batter?? The left over goodness from the cakes?? who cared that the ingredients were raw?? The vanilla essence in that creamy batter was more than enough. Who can forget the smell of varnish and lemon pledge everywhere, the smell of fresh paint and linens brought out and left in the sun ....so that the very smell of them was island warmth.

This is the time of polishing silverware, or removing louvres, and cleaning cabinets. This was the time of lime on the cement outside the house, of polishing mahogany until you could see your face in it...Chores were aplenty...but it also meant opportunities to be good were too....

Pressure..

2010-12-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

I think I need to be pressed
....to Produce.

I don't know if that's a good thing or not.

It seems I FUNCTION better under pressure...

I guess its a goal focussed motivation..

or maybe is just Bad mind..??

when people F&)*()K with me..

it's like the gears in my head start Rolling with Scary precision...

suddenly the same brain that felt covered in lethargic spider webs of SETTLE

shakes itself off and sees all the possibilities of BETTER...

where was all this motivation before?

Its like i'm feeding off their intent to Hurt me....

and Using the same energy to Improve Me?

Did I just rhyme?

haha..

there's a sense of exhilaration in knowing that.
Coping Mechanism Engaged.

Meet Lupe. Live. Pressure. I Gotcha. Hi-Definition.

Bucket List.

Bitchy, Bitter, Balance - Enjoy

2010-12-23T06:44:00.000-08:00

Morning Luvs,
I had a deep ass philosophical post about Value under here.
Then the psychologist that is my music playlist selected this track for me this morning....
I previewed the video....and said
Screw it.

This. Shit. Makes. Me. Smile!
From my Belly Smile...
Like... make my spirit Giggle...:)
Makes me wanna skip through the world throwing flowers at people...:)
Just the right balance of Bitter, and Bitchy :)
Enjoy it.
I did.
:)
I love a transformation....especially in myself.

oh for the Newbies...The poetry in the Lyrics after the Jump:

Baby, It's me... Maybe I bore you
No, No it's my fault cause I can't afford you
Maybe baby Puffy, Jay Z
Could all be better for you
Cause all I could do was love you

Baby when I used to love you
There's nuttin that I wouldn't do
I'd twist through the fire for you
Anything you asked me to
But I'm tired of living this lie
It's getting harder to justify
I realize that I just don't love you
Not like I used to
Holla Holla Holla (yeaaahh)
Holla holla holla (yeah, yeah, uh, uh)

Maybe I should rob somebody
So we could live like
Whitney and Bobby
It's probably my fault
My bad, My loss
You are the cause
All I could do was love you

Baby when i used to love you
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
I'd twist through the fire for you
Anything you asked me to
But I'm tired of living this lie
It's getting harder to justify
I realize that I just don't love you
Not like I used to
Holla Holla Holla (yeaaahh)
Holla holla holla (yeah, yeah)

Oh! I used to (wheeen I used to)
Love you (used to... Love you)
Oh! But I don't (baby no not any more... I don't love you)
Love you (noooo, used to ... love you)
Oh! I used to
used to love you

You're gonna miss me now...

Cassandra Wilson - You Move me

2010-12-22T16:24:00.000-08:00

Love Jones is one of my favorite movies.
Yes I can recite it word for word and I really am not ashamed of that.
I love it for the combination of images, acting and MOST DEFINITELY the music.
Today my computer decided that I needed to listen to the soundtrack again.
Yes it does that. Its Haunted!
And once again this song "Moved Me". Pardon the pun..haha..
.I searched and searched for Cassandra Wilson performing this live and couldn;t find it.
#FAIL.
In any case...I wanted to share. and like I always say...
They sing about it ..so it must exist.
I'm about to go watch Love Jones...AGAIN. ;)

Remember the moments

So precious and rare

The thought

Of you kissing me there

You know my secrets

You know the curve and the line

One touch

And I know you are mine

Rain falls down on me

I can hardly see

For the water in my eyes

Love comes down on me

I can hardly breathe

For the trembling in my thighs

You move me

Remember the moments

So prescious and rare

The thought

Of you kissing me there

You know my secrets

You know the curve and the line

One touch and I know you are mine

Rain falls down on me

I can hardly see

For the water in my eyes

Love comes down on me

I can hardly breathe

For the trembling in my thighs

You move me

Smile.....:) Its this Kinda Day

2010-12-22T08:20:00.000-08:00

Florida's Cold....but not too cold today.

Kinda trapped indoors....but not all Day!

Yeah...:) I think i'm smiling ;)

Smile...

:) Thx.

I May Never Sleep Again...

2010-12-21T07:58:00.000-08:00

I have Insomnia...

Nothing new...been plagued with it on and off all my life...

Usually it means my brain wont shut the F&*()k up and let me sleep..

Last night in particular was difficult because of that damn moon.

Pisces. Moon cycles. All of that crap.

So while i stared at the ceiling and contemplated world domination......this came to me.

Wait for it ...

Follow the Ramble..

at some point in your life.....people decide what side of the fence they're on...

and who they're going to keep on that side of the fence with them...

this isn't a bullshit decision..this is one that will make or BREAK... your LIFE!

your existence...

your POTENTIAL Happiness....

the SUM of your future..the Quality of your life ..

thats a Big deal...

THAT's A big fucking deal..

And as you get older ..people think that as you learn and experience more that it gets easier..

..in fact it gets harder...

harder to trust...

harder to allow yourself the space to be Soft..

harder to REBOUND from when someone steps on you...

harder to look at someone with innocence and wonder ...instead of dread and malign...

at some point...you realize...that people will continue to hurt you....even those that love you..

LISTEN...

there is a point to all of this ..

Follow the Ramble...lol

Even those who love you will hurt You...

Sometimes intentionally...

and at that point you decide..

well if you have the presence of mind to...

at some point you decide..

What you want the fabric of your future to be...

More importantly...

What is YOUR purpose in their lives??

Are you essential to their Happiness?

THAT'S THE THING THAT KEEPS ME AWAKE.....

am I giving Front Stage play.......

to THOSE that Don't Care if I Breathe or Cry???

and don't get me wrong...this is not an ego trip...

If that's the case I have no choice but to Live with it as it is...

I'm a pro at moving on...BAD Mind is a BITCH!

I'm a Gangsta with that...lol

THE THING THAT KEEPS ME AWAKE...

is how FRIGGING Mother F%^*(^*& DUMB Was I ??

You cannot comprehend the DESCRIPTIVENESS of the words running through my head right now..

Me?

ME?

How the GOOD GODDAMN could I Be so goddamn stupid?

So blind, so myopic?

SO Friggin emotional and CAUGHT THE F*&(* up??

HOW??

HOW?

I MAY NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

I'm excited....Electric Relaxation...

2010-12-20T09:02:00.000-08:00

This week is gonna be crazy....

but CRAZY happy..:)

yay..

and I'm kinda looking forward to New Years...:)

Let's get through the day...:) You can thank me later :)

Random Sundays............

2010-12-19T18:09:00.000-08:00

a. I got my heart completely broken this weekend. But im ok :). This was my last hold out anyways. Now i can be a complete Pessimist...

2. I met my baby cousin Nia. She smells like new baby, and i hugged her...and fed her...and slept with her on my chest. AND I WANT ONE!! and i will one day...maybe...

c. [yes i know my numbering is inconsistent] I went to see my dentist to schedule a cleaning since my insurance kicked in ..YAY...and he said i can fix that gap if you want. HUH? what's wrong with my gap? Doesn't he know the bigger the gap the sweeter the ^(&*Y)()?? Is something wrong with my gap? Do i need a perfect smile? Damn? i have to fix that too?

d..or is it 4? Ive decided to go natural..AGAIN! i figure my next husband is gonna a. Love me natural, b. be a rasta man or C. not exist at all so it won't matter. My naps are growing.

Hey peeps how was your sunday???

Muah

Cliv

16 Bars...

2010-12-19T10:45:00.000-08:00

The action / Louder than elections speaker

For a Failing Party / with a Tyrant Leader

A Bill board marked with Glowing Letters/

ENTP for the serious setters.../

Aint no more issue to get addressed/

Just the Past Present Future to REASSESS/

Is a Bitch when the JUDGE and Jury is YOU/

Yuh guh punish yourself and FORGIVE YOU too?

Old Shit, Ugg Boots and Conversations with Yourself..Forever Begins

2010-12-16T07:09:00.000-08:00

Alana [the alter-ego..she's the mean one.]: TRUTH? youre not happy

Clivia: Yes I know..you think i Don't know that???

Alana: Don't YELL AT ME PUNK!!!! Soooooooo Maybe the crap you've been doing isn't working...what you've been accepting is INADEQUATE and you NEED TO DO SOMETHING ELSE!!

Clivia: sigh...i know...but it's so hard to let go of Old Shit. Old Shit is like ratty Ugg Boots. They're shit ugly...but they fit you perfectly..and they're comfortable...and if you ignore every body else looking at them in horror....they feel like home...

Alana: Bitch [she can call me that...we're family] I knew you would turn this into a SHOE post..what I'm saying is....Is this your Forever? Is this what you want your Forever to be? One Word answer midget...

Clivia: No.

Alana: So what do you do??

Clivia: Change.

Alana: Change?

CHANGE?

what kinda punk ass statement is that??

You need to RIP away the safety nets you've created for you self...

You need to REMOVE the things that are BLOCKING your future joy...

MAYBE HE"S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!!

Forget imagined...go for REAL!!....

YOU need to MOVE!!

Stop sitting on your ass waiting for predestined events.

MAKE YOUR OWN!!

Your Excuses are SHALLOW, INCONSISTENT AND RIDICULOUS!

GET OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY!

YOUR TALENTS ARE IMMENSE AND YOU TREAT THEM LIKE SO MUCH FODDER sharing with THOSE UNWORTHY of them twisting them to serve their own needs.

THIS CANNOT BE YOUR FOREVER!! IT CANNOT! IT WILL NOT!! I WONT LET IT....

Clivia: yes ma'am.....you get all poetic when you're right don't you??

Alana: Don't yes ma'am me you JACK WAGON! Do it!!

Clivia: Yes Ma'...i mean Alana

Alana: You have a deadlineTRAMP..What has history taught you?

Clivia: When I hesitate to do what I know I should have done....the universe will do it for me...

Alana: Damn Skippy and WE HATE SURPRISES...

Get it Done.

Forever Begins - Common

Chinese Auction - Office Gift Giving

2010-12-16T05:54:00.000-08:00

At my office we get an email saying we are "strongly" urged to participate in the Chinese Auction style gift giving event that will happen at our Holiday Lunch on Friday.

We have to present a gift wrapped present, within the price range of $15 - $20.00

suited for a MAN or a WOMAN.
Steups..
$20.00 for a woman - runs the Gamut - I can buy those cute potted plants at Home - Depot, a Clutch, A Scarf, Make up, A Good Umbrella, A book, Candles, Picture Frames, Bath and Body Stuff, A journal, Stationery, ...well you get the drift.

Uhm,..what can I get for a guy...a random one at that...for $20.00????? Stumped ??
I was too.
My sister and I figured it out...A CHARGING STATION!

Unisex - everybody has a phone right?
Problem Solved
PLUS - They're on sale now since all the Techies have upgraded to Power Mats!
Now lets hope i dont pick some nose hair clippers or a pound of gourmet Jelly Beans....

Derek Walcott's New Book - White Egrets

2010-12-15T13:42:00.000-08:00

I accept anonymous Christmas Presents.This Review is not by me. For the full Source
These are excerpts from Kathy Kellaway's review :

In this collection, he is writing his own valediction (a risky undertaking).

He wonders whether, at the age of 80, these poems might be his last.

He explains that if he felt his gift had "withered", he would "abandon poetry like a woman because you love it/ and would not see her hurt, least of all by me….

It is an uncomfortable expression of a painful thought but he pulls himself together to conclude:

"be grateful that you wrote well in this place,/ let the torn poems sail from you like a flock/of white egrets in a long last sigh of relief ".

Walcott even refers to himself as an "egret-haired Viejo".

And there is no need to shy away from the observation that egret is only one letter away from regret – Walcott does not resist the rhyme.

His particular regret is about unrequited love – the keen humiliation of the old man who falls for a younger woman:

"It is the spell/ of ordinary, unrequited love. Watch these egrets/stalk the lawn in a dishevelled troop, white banners/ forlornly trailing their flags; they are the bleached regrets/of an old man's memoirs, their unwritten stanzas./ Pages gusting like wings on the lawn, wide open secrets."

I MUST HAVE THIS!!! I MUST I MUST.I know I'm late...published since March. And uhm...

I want the HARD COVER Please.

*I said please*

Silence is like a Spirit that picked my house to Haunt...

2010-12-13T08:20:00.000-08:00

Cee-lo's album the Lady killer is out now.

If you're a soul music fan..no..a good music fan...you MUST get it.

This album isn't called the Lady Killer because he is Mister Mac Daddy...slay them chicks.

it's way more clever.

He's telling us ladies...EXACTLY what we want to hear.

Imagine your prince charming,

a slinger of metaphor...

a creator of imagery...

with an Uncanny insight into your personal heart...

give him a singing voice..

and urban swagger...

Meet LADY KILLER!

its a dangerous must have album....

But

Be very careful ...you may get swept away in it....

It feels like love and summertime..

its an illusion....but a sexy, pretty, happy one.

Oooohhh...

Hey Hey Hey Hey...

I want you [x2]

Hey, I love the night life

Yes I do it's so much fun

And before you know it

Ah here comes the sun

Sweetheart it's been real, but...

The thrill is gone

Silence is like a spirit

That picked my house to haunt

But I know it's there so I'm nonchalant

Yet deep inside I need what I want

And I want you to run away with me and experience something new

Anything you've already done just won't do

I want you

And I want you to genuinely and sincerely want me too

You can believe in my baby

Don't be cruel

'Cause I want you

Would a trip to a remoted island ease your mind

Oh you look like a solitare every sunshine

I like her 'cause she's fun

And she's fearless

She's a friend of mine

And I'm not trying to say that you need some help

Or you can have anything you want with your bad self

I like her 'cause she's smart

But she's still sexy

She is somethin' else

That's why I want you to run away with me and experience something new

Anything you've already done just won't do

I want you

And I want you to genuinely and sincerely want me too

You can believe in my baby, don't be cruel

'Cause I want you

Oooh...

Oh one world to find a lady

That happens to be three times the lady

God is good

But he took his time when he designed you baby

That's why I want you

And

Oh I'll even quit my job

Lovin' you, I'll make it my job

Thank you Lord, thank you lord

This is it

My god!

That's why I want you

P.S. this has not turned into a music blog. Its called AVOIDANCE to the Nth degree. When you have too many things to process in your head...that even writing about them creates tension...you kinda have to step back from it until its ok to talk about it...:)

Morning World....

2010-12-13T07:54:00.000-08:00

how the hell are ya?? I'm cold and at work....and still the complicated nut ball that I probably will be for ever...:)But this morning Cee Lo Green is sending me outside of myself......So while I'm sitting here at my desk - slaving over this spreadsheet...My feet and heart are imagination are walking along where ever he wants to take me....and with Cee Lo Green that can be ANYWHEREI LOVE IT!!Hope your Monday is bearable...try to make it work;)

Random Sundays............

2010-12-12T15:41:00.000-08:00

Why am i watching Jumpers in SPANISH?? and loving it?
What do they put In McDonald's Fries and Dunkin Donuts coffee that makes it so addictive?
Why do i have 19 pairs of heels in my car...and my closet is still overflowing with shoes?
I sweep when my mind is tangled? Is there a hormone that produces that?
Is happy contagious?
Don't people know that spell check works in your FB status too?
and finally

This

I'm Just gonna let something BRAND NEW HAPPEN TO ME!! -

2010-12-10T08:49:00.000-08:00

This is how Friday nights should feel. The energy of Potential.....:) Enjoy the Weekend Folks!

I really love Cee - Lo

I been livin for the weekend

But no not anymore

Cuz here comes that familiar feelin

That fridays famous for

Yeah I'm lookin for some action

And it's out there somewhere

You can feel the electricity

All in the evening air

And it may just be more of the same

But sometimes you wanna go where everyone knows your name

So I guess I'll have to wait and see

But I'm just gonna let something brand new happen to me

And it's alright

It's alright x5

Bright lights and the big city

It belongs to us tonight

Now Friday's cool

But there's somethin about Saturday night

You can't say what you won't do

Cuz you know that you just might

I'm alive this evening

It was love at first sight

This Saturday

And every Saturday for the rest of my life

And everyone's standin in line

Yeah lookin good and lookin for a real good time

So I'll never have to wonder if

I'll have someone to share all of it with

And it's alright

It's alright x5

Bright lights and the big city

It belongs to us tonight

Yes I need it

Everybody does

Cocktails and conversation

Music and making love

And it's alright

It's alright x5

Bright lights and the big city

It belongs to us tonight

Bright lights, bright lights, bright lights

And the big city | It belongs to us tonight

Soul Wednesdays - Forever

2010-12-08T17:44:00.000-08:00

hmm.. .Is corny cute?? Hold Your Breath | Faster - Slum Village

2010-12-08T08:33:00.000-08:00

at least it makes me smile.

Hold your Breath - Faster Slum Village featuring Colin Munroe

Hold your breath

yeah yeah

(YAH)

woahh ohh ohhh ohhh oh

yeah

im feelin like im whippin in a Porsche girl

you all up in my thoughts

its simple & reinforced

love that love that that love

so much that we should back up

you never feel it til it happens

then it happens

cause i guaranteed your life is like math subtract it from your past

& the math you think its like fast

Talladega honey moon up in vegas sharin paper

cross my fingers hopin we dont break up

now we made it through the basics

we seen it in an instant

girl id love to see your ass naked

we should stay connected

every second record is a blessin

girl you got me smilin so F it

i take it there i take it as a blessin

i use it as a weapon

i rhyme they should use it as a reference

when people stay stick together we forever its embedded

& everytime we go somewhere we always leave a presence, the essence

hold your breath

(dont let this) run away

(its moving) faster (yeah) faster (yeah) faster

(whoa whoa whoa oh)

dont let go (dont let go)

night & day

(its moving) faster(faster) faster (faster) faster

from mix to the intense

the second i hope you smell the incense

entice the moment of innocence

this how we came together

for better bond suited on how to break hearts

separated then recluded

desire was a overwhelming conclusion

those things of passion created a guard for the delusion

it makes sense

in a mutual choice the muse & states of simple bliss forever we still here

& in a intense climax the moment a miss & the moment of passion is intense enough to commence

at last we in the depths of orgasm

the experience brought us this far

now we out fast

[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/faster-lyrics-slum-village.html ]

take the time when expand emotions recommence to the intense

the second is innocence

guess the time when expand emotions to the 8 tenths

a second of innocence, innocence

hold your breath

(dont let this) run away

(its moving) faster faster faster

(whoa whoa whoa whoa)

dont let go (dont let go)

night & day

(its moving) faster faster faster

yeah its like you million miles away

& i cant take that

lets get that crib, sittin where that, hate that

you need that, feelin that young girls dream of the italy

gotta lay her boat up streamlove

that paris in the springtime

wakiki when i, when im lost in your eyes i see me in ya

it feels brand new

just listen, ya mans true

what u wishin i cant do

its my mission,

i plan to in addition stay thru the good the bad

whether the rain or shine

your remain is mine

body & brains, ya fine

yeah you all that & then some

what a perfect place to begin from

& baby if you let yourself go

maybe we could go

tell you this is all i know

& we could do dinner, dance slow,

a broad way show

tell you this is all i know..

hold your breath

(dont let this) run away

(its moving) faster faster faster

dont let go (dont let go)

night & day

(its moving) faster faster faster

its moving (faster) moving (faster) moving (faster)

i Cant

2010-12-08T07:11:00.000-08:00

Shit.. I just give up...I'm not trying to be defeatist don't take this as a depressed, sad thing either...
I just no longer have the energy to HOPE about how "this" will turn out..
Its just easier to not care..To not expect Jack..In fact expect absolutely Nothing..at least then I can keep my sanity..
It means now I have to re-evaluate Everything..
EVERYTHING...
everything...
I just have to stop sharing myself......my energy, my ideas, my foibles, my humor, my smiles, my tears, my hopes, my talents...

with those who would just discard it ...
like so much dust.
cause..
i just
Can't.

you Had me At....

2010-12-07T18:45:00.000-08:00

Source

What the Cheese??

2010-12-07T07:47:00.000-08:00

To maintain the PG rating of this blog...the word I REALLY wanna use has been changed to......well CHEESE!!

What the CHEESE???
Aren't I a human being too?
On top of that fact that I'm slightly human... I'm of the emotionally sensitive kind.
I don't need much. A CHEESING HELLO!
A "hi..thinking about you"
A "hey you" YOU MATTER!!

What??? and then you wanna tell me stop being CHEESING Super woman??
See why I can't?
When I rely on someone..it leaves the fortress weak...Weak Fortresses get mounted and Conquered!
CHEESE NO!

Huh?

I'm such a CHEESING separate species that I don't need for you to say Hello? how are you?
What?? u assume I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME? ALL the CHEESING time??

Steups.

CHEESE you.

Tell em Otis

Paris - Tokyo - Lupe Fiasco and Panty Dropper BITCHES.

2010-12-02T08:00:00.000-08:00

So.. .I was reading one of my favorite blogs last night - Black Girl's Are Easy, [Read it...its a Trip] and the post in particular that struck me was Lonely Bitch Season. Its a riot...and sadly so accurate. lol. I want you to read it yourself...but in essence it states that when the weather changes from warm to cold, and the holiday season begins - most independent, single, WOULDN'T DATE YOU IN THE SUMMER girls start lowering their standards..lol... cause nobody wants to go to the Christmas party ALONE!!!
Blink.
Anyways...this morning was uncharacteristically cold in SF. So on the drive into work... I had to turn on the heat and TURN up some music to get me there.
Random Selection chose "Lupe Fiasco Paris Tokyo."So I'm listening to the lyrics..and jamming to the sweet Eumir Deodata Jazz "San Juan Sunset" Sample he has running on the track..[YEAH ..I said it - I'm a Sample Stalker]
And I start thinking...
THESE BITCHES!! These Renaissance men, Lyric Spitting, Metaphor Writing...Image creating BITCHES!!have the gall to not only come up with lyrics like " Let's go to sleep in Paris,And wake up in Tokyo. Have a dream in New Orleans,Fall in love in Chicago, Mayne."
Uhm.... who doesn't wanna go to Paris? Huh? Scuse me? I could fall in love in Chicago...couldn't you?
And this Evil Man starts dropping: "I turn to see my dream, Love supreme queen, meanest thing on the scene, cry."
That's Me. Isn't that you? I KNOW I'm the Love supreme Queen.
And then...when you think its over he goes:
"Guess who's back in the, house,With a bunch of souvenirs, and a smile for your mouth.I really missed you, each and every night I kissed youIn my dreams, 'fore I went to sleep, to La-La land to count them sheep.I swear you're lookin prettier than ever,"
BITCH
The "panty dropping "[** See Foot note ]continues because the music track is full of subliminal sexual imagery or tantric chanting or LSD or something...cause your brain can get all wrapped up in the chords and the riffs and next thing you know you have no clue where the hell you are...
Anyways ..
as I was saying...Some times.. you can't blame a girl for wanting to get carried away in the moment.
Lupe from now on referred to as LBF...[Lupe B*tch Fiasco]put it in a song right?? So it must be possible??
Its BITCHY on more than one layer too. A Double Bitch Fest. GRRRRRR
He wrapped the lyrics....
the POETRY masquerading as lyrics..in JAZZ...then upped the ante with PERCUSSION.......................................WHAT THE HELL ARE CHICKS TO DO AGAINST THAT???Wear a foil helmet??? or UNDERWEAR?? WHAT???
Bitches?
I KNOW YOU SEE ME!!!
You KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!!!!!
**does evil eye hand gesture**
You know ..most days you're okay with being superwoman. Independent, Powerful...Focused...and in the summer? that's Easy as hell to do. it's hot. Days last longer. you can HANG!.
But when its cold.....sigh.
Steups.
Steups **1
Anyways.
Lyrics Below.
Enjoy.
[Bitch in this post is used With L.O.V.E.]....
hmm this should come up in a lot of search engines now...
**Foot Note: Panty Dropping - Actions or communications that make it Impossible for panties to stay on and eventually fall off to the floor**1: Steups - Trinidadian interpretation of sucking one teeth. Its spelt as it's spoken. Steups. That's the sound. Say it....steeeupppps. It expresses extreme disgust, disappointment, frustration, and ends a conversation

LYRICS

"Paris, Tokyo"

[Background talking]

(I know, I know but I gotta get up outta here,

You know, I gotta go pay these bills,

I got a show to do, you know?)

One time, for your mind.

[Chorus]

Let's go to sleep in Paris,

And wake up in Tokyo.

Have a dream in New Orleans,

Fall in love in Chicago,

Mayne.

Wherever I go she goes.

[Verse 1]

I love her

And I hate to leave her lonely

Ring ring went the Iphone, it was my homie

He said, "let's hit Japan,

If we can make 'em jam,

We can make a hundred grand,

Spend it in the south of France

Nothing further." I jumped,

Grabbed my go-yard trunk,

Got ready to 'walk it out,' like Unk

In my John Lennon chucks.

That's when I heard Murder

You're killin me, you're fillin me

With sorrow, sunrise, "goobye"'s,

And "missin you tomorrow"'s.

I turn to see my dream

Love supreme queen, meanest thing on the scene, cry.

I drop my bags in a flash

That's faster one eighty on that dash-er,

To dry your tears.

And wipe the rain from my dear like dash-er,

Use the dame who's the username to all my pass-words.

The reason I get fly as Ivan Jasp-er,

I even keep your picture in my pass-purt.

(love love)

[Chorus]

Let's go to sleep in Paris,

And wake up in Tokyo.

Have a dream in New Orleans,

Fall in love in Chicago,

Mayne.

Then we can land in the motherland,

Camelback across the desert sand.

Take a train, to Rome, or home,

Brazil, forreal.

Wherever I go she goes.

[Verse 2]

So let's keep it, real,

All in't together, "free chill!"

Tell the stewardess to throw a movie, on the reel.

Heat up my kosher meal, exchange my dollar bills,

Lean back in my first-class seat, and sleep.

Don't wake me till I land, when they barely understand

What I speak, but they nod to my beats.

I tell my fans who I am and they stand and they clap

They applaud. They love me, my God.

"O'scadie sama'desta" or maybe "au revoir,"

"A spree on Saint Henry," then back to Charles de Gaul.

So I can get home and tell her everywhere that I been,

And, everything that I done, and,

Tell her that she's the one, and, um.

[Chorus]

Let's go to sleep in Paris,

And wake up in Tokyo.

Have a dream in New Orleans,

Fall in love in Chicago,

Mayne.

Then we can land in the motherland,

Camelback across the desert sand.

Take a train, to Rome, or home,

Brazil, forreal.

Wherever I go she goes.

[Verse 3]

Uh.

Guess who's back in the, house,

With a bunch of souvenirs, and a smile for your mouth.

I really missed you, each and every night I kissed you

In my dreams, 'fore I went to sleep, to La-La land to count them sheep.

I swear you're lookin prettier than ever,

It's got to be a prophecy for us to stay together ever more.

For better or, less or poor, all worth the wait in buried treasure

X's on the shore.

I know my world tour's like war to you,

But Ian said, "Aloha," and Harley said, "Cheers!"

Julian said, "Bonjour!," Big O was like "Yeahhhhh!"

Amanda and Lemessie want to know when we goin there.

Edison sends his love, so does the rest of the club

Of the international play-boys and play-girls.

But I revoke my membership, all for My Tenderness,

She said, "Pursue your interests, 'cause even If

I'm ticketless, I'll be there, by your side,

In your heart and, on your mind."

So, as I taxi down another runway,

I gotcha, who loves you babe

Now bring it back, now, uh.

[Chorus]

Let's go to sleep in Paris,

And wake up in Tokyo.

Have a dream in New Orleans,

Fall in love in Chicago,

Mayne.

Then we can land in the motherland,

Camelback across the desert sand.

Take a train, to Rome, or home,

Brazil, forreal.

Wherever I go she goes.

LOOK at him. HE KNOWS WHAT HE DID!!!

Bitch..

POST SCRIPT: DUDE HAS THE BALLS TO NOT BE DRESSED IN PANTS FALLING OF HIS BUTT, AND IS DAPPER IN EVERY SHOT.

Im thankful for....[this was SUPPOSED to have posted on Thanksgiving day]

2010-11-30T08:13:00.000-08:00

memories of good times to get me through the badmy parents who may not always get me...but who love me so.... who cares?my sister who is my best friend....i don't know if she knows that... but she is..I couldn't function without her...friends who make me laugh so hard it hurts...and make me realize that people are different for a reason..and sharing your life with people who are not like you make it a richer experience...for my health ...having a job i like when so many don't...not always having as much money as I want so that i can learn to prioritize...hope and optimism....finally realizing that letting go is necessary...to move on..being alive to write this...the experiences in my life that have shaped me into who i am...to be trinbagonian...lol...its rough sometimes...but i love it..

I miss David Rudder - Mad Man Chant

2010-11-24T09:40:00.000-08:00

David Rudder is a Prophet. An Oracle. Madman Chant was written in 1996. FOURTEEN years ago!
It's as if he took a future snap shot with this song. After I get over the "Prophecy" of the lyrics I can pay attention to the obvious mastery of subtlety that is Charlie's Roots playing this song.

They do not over power the Instrument that is David's Voice but supplement it so well, so brilliantly.

I love Rudder because although his message is of the world....he speaks ALWAYS in the vernacular of Trinidad - always creating a a visual thats distinctly ours - so we KNOW he's speaking to us...OF us.

Who else would understand "A bullet start to wine and put an end to they joy??"

I want to take out a newspaper ad in Trinidad with just the lyrics of this song.

I miss him. I feel like we've disappointed him. His own people....have disappointed him by not giving him more...by not making him greater...and he's left us so we don't have to face that shame when we see him.

We didn't deserve him.

Vote for we and we will set you free!
Anywhere you turn somebody chanting to we
Somebody promising jobs for all
Some renting gun to make other people bawl
But somebody promising more police car
Somebody going to take de country far
Somebody putting all de bandits away
We say, "If dey do the crime, dey going to damn well pay!"
But somebody promising human rights
While somebody threatening to put out yuh lights
The mortuary full with little Trinidad boys
A bullet start to wine and put an end to their joy
Now dey lying tall fuh dey Mama to mourn
Dey Nike gone, dey gold teeth gone
You see dey, dey want dey pocket full with blue, blue silk
Dey want dey statue drinking full cream milk
The little red silk is not dey true friend
De blue one had two extra nought on de end
So ah tag on dey toe is now dey ticket to hell
But look where we reach, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Ah hear a madman bawl as he spread out on a wall
He say, "Dis is it, dis is it, dis is it, I’ve been hit!
No time to give up brother, no time to quit!"
Was the chant of a madman, in this tale from a strange land
Give me the chant of de madman. It’s the only salvation
Ah say de chant of a madman, in this tale from a strange land
Give me the chant of the madman, Lord, is de only salvation.

Anywhere yuh turn somebody chanting to we
Vote for we and we go set you free
Somebody promising natural law
Die like a yogi, end all de war
Seek inner peace, end all de pain
De same woman promising to go down again
Somebody promising to run all de bread
Somebody pushing a world class head
Somebody clean out de weed well fast
But somebody letting de cocaine pass
Somebody promise to abolish de tax
Somebody promise to gih we de facts
Somebody promise to clean up de land
But in this clean land, rat still killin man
We bright little youths going to waste
Somebody dinge the smile on dey face
Somebody take “One Love” off de shelf
Den de One Love boys start to sell out dey self
Somebody going to end all dis talk about race
But dey cyah tell me dat with a straight, straight face
Big, big men dying, de crime cyah solve
A madman rant is mih only resolve
Ah hear de madman bawl
As he lie on a wall.
He say, "Dis is it, dis is it, dis is it, I’ve been hit!
But no time to give up, brother, no time to quit!"

A chant of a madman in this tale from a strange land
It was a chant of a madman, in dis tale from a strange land
Give me de chant of de madman. Is de only salvation.

Repost!! Because I'm Back Here Today! Cure for Home Sickness - David Rudder - Song For a Lonely Soul

2010-11-24T08:29:00.000-08:00

Press Play

I get Homesick..often

In spite of the horror stories I read and hear about in Trinidad..

because as always Being home is a colored memory for me that may not always tie into the REALITY

I rely on my bloggers living in Trinidad to reconcile the Rose Colored Memory with the TRUTH of life at home..

But still i know in part that I live in illusion...

But some days I almost cry,

There is vice and evil everywhere..

Why not be in a place that requires no explanation of my needs and loves,

Of what is innate to me..?

That i can find joy in Just hearing a voice speak in a tone or say a phrase that can make my spirit warm ...?

Still some days I cry...

I miss the sounds of rain...

Somehow its different at home

I miss the smell of a temporarily clean world after the rain..

I love to hear men call out to each other in passing..

and unlike the sisters that Live there now..

I miss the little hail up from a random man in the street...

In our trini cadence...

"Ey Sweetness...."

[they might not be saying that now]

But Rudder Helps...in particular today

Song for a Lonely Soul...[how apropos]

Song For a Lonely Soul
Soca music take me back to my island [x 4]
Oh how I long for island breezes and to see..
My woman roll like a steel drum solo ringing through a calypso night
Don’t get me wrong, this big city really made a man of me
But a concrete jungle drum can’t play no calypso
No no no
Soca music take me back to my island.

A mind excursion it can take me
To a far off country road
Sticky mango juice, running down my naked chest
And sturdy people who can still smile a mile into their pain
Put their shoulders to the wheel
And their Gods will do the rest
And in the end, they will pass the test
Soca music take me back to my island.

Trinity mountains, Trinity mountains calling me home
Making me high, calling me home, making me high
Sing a soca melody, you can sing it and be free
Sing a happy soca melody my friend, sing a soca melody
You can sing it and be free
And in this freedom, there will be no end
Soca music take me back to my island.

In particular for me...

growing up in Tobago, Signal Hill Alumni Choir was a pride and joy

To hear them sing , all genres, was a pore raising, awe inspiring , pride inducing thing.

My Mom worked with them when I was growing up...so I got to see the inner workings of the choir. Rehearsal was a treat..I would sit on the floor of the stage while they surrounded the piano..and John Arnold the director then would piece together the Complex melodies..and then the MOVES! Perfect!

I was lucky to perform with them , either in joint productions with my steelband, or with the dance company [Children's Academy of Dance...now TAPA and the now defunct NDTC] or representing Tobago in the Inter Island Cultural Shows..[haha..i remember dancing in a number, changing to play pan, and then changing back to go dance again..anyways ah Rambling..lol...follow the ramble]

The chorus behind Rudder is ALWAYS the Alumni Choir...regardless of who it really is..i think I heard them do this song once...it brought me to Tears..[I cry too damn much .maybe cause I'm Pisces..hahaha]. I see faces I know..and know me..And the music just seems Elevated here..

Anyways...Rudder
Ever Rudder..
More than Music and Melody..
Its like a Psalm..
Cooling to the senses..
He refers DIRECTLY to me..
Reverence to all the things that make MY Existence important and beautiful, My TRIN-BAGONIAN existence..
Thank you Rudder..
You restore me..

----------------
Now playing: David Rudder - Song for a Lonely Soul
via FoxyTunes

I Danced today

2010-11-22T20:02:00.000-08:00

For the first time in what felt like a million years...and I fell to the floor in a emotional heap...
Overwhelmed by what felt like a flood gate of emotions...pressing on my heart, on my brain..It was as if a spiritual avalanche fell on me all at once.
Ive missed it sooo much. SOO much. As if it said...FINALLY...you've come back to me. FINALLY!
and although my muscles hurt...my heart is so open now...a genuine emotion...a connection to something...I danced for myself...just for me. a Pure thing...I forgot where i was.
I danced till it hurt...the room disappeared...I came out of my fugue ...to applause....but it didn't matter..
How could I have stayed away so long from something that brings me so much pure joy?? how could I? How could i stay away from something that cleared all the psychic blocks in my heart and perception? I'm dancing again. I'm dancing. It feels like Home.

Let. It. Go.

2010-11-22T19:45:00.000-08:00

Let it go..
the hurt..the anger..the anxiety...
let it go.
the internal struggle..the fight between your best and worse self..
drop it..
Let it fall to the wayside ....drop the heavy armor..
the protective shell that you use to maintain the tender inside that is your heart....
Don't deny yourself the possibility of JOY..
Don't deny yourself the moments of pure FEELING that will keep you joyous in the dark times..
Everyday we're reminded of how fragile, how tenuous this life can be..
Step on fear with your feet and your heart..
Crush it..
Grind it into the dirt where it belongs..
Live as if there is ONLY love....
Choose to be brave...
We have only this life...
You have only this ONE existence in which to be happy...
Chase Happy. FERVENTLY..doggedly..
pursue it as if it is the final destination..
You will bring others with you...
Because hope and joy is contagious...
It will scream to the universe that this is what you deserve...
It will color you life in hues of wonder and awe...
You deserve it. We Deserve it.
Call it to you...
Scream it into the universe..
Joy.
Joy.
Joy.Joy.

Let's Chill for the Weekend....

2010-11-22T18:59:00.000-08:00

:). k? K. :)

Last night somebody told me that you would be in town
I opened up my eyes and you were staring me down
I often think about the last times we spent together
Ummm hmmmmm

And sometimes
When no one was around and its just me
You serve a special parted memory

[x2:]
It's our dream to see
(oh baby)
You here with me
(I miss you)
After all this time
You're still fine
(Girl let's chill)
For the Weekend
(For the Weekend babe, I'd like to chill for the weekend)

This morning
I awake to find you next to me
Holding a long convesation over a green tea baby
we speak about the love before
Night before
And its killing me
(no way)
I Gotta let you leave
(Although)
But at least we know
That We made another memory
Of the Way you
Let me love you
Hold You
You've got me so in love

[Chorus:]
It's our dream to see
You here with me
(I miss you)
After all this time
(baby)
You're still fine
For the Weekend
(you and I)

I thank the man above
For my Weekend Love

[x2:]
It's our dream to see
You here with me
(can you believe)
After all this time
You're still fine
(on my mind)
For the Weekend
(So let's do you and me for the Week-end)

Baby that would be alright

Sometimes relationships get ill...Girls are weird.

2010-11-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

I love this song. The resonance of Black Thoughts voice is so piercing...and the hook is a haunting floating gem of need and yearning and strength. The Roots are forever my go to band for authentic hip hop. My brand of hip hop. I wish they would come to Florida sometime..In fact I have a whole list of artists that never come to my side of town..sigh..Maybe I should start a petition.

This song though always beings back a memory of a guy that was never mine. lol. No seriously...I created a faux relationship in my head. And Yes i KNEW it was all imaginary. But in my HEAD this is what he would sing for me.
The Real situation was...he was a friend..who knew I was in a bad relationship...and would give me advice on how to deal with my impending heartbreak. As always...women transfer feelings ..when in truth he was just being a good friend.
I wonder if he ever figured out i had created this imaginary BLACK LOVE fest in my head..with him as Lead!???

Girls Are weird.

Chorus] x 2

(Erykah Badu)

If you were worried 'bout where

I been or who I saw or

what club I went to with my homies

baby don't worry you know that you got me

[Verse 1]

(Black Thought)

Somebody told me that this planet was small

we use to live in the same building on the same floor

and never met before

until I'm overseas on tour

and peep this ethiopian queen from philly

taking classes abroad

she studying film and photo flash focus record

said she workin on a flick and

could my click do the score

she said she loved my show in paris

at elise momarre

and that I stepped off the stage

and took a piece of her heart

we knew from the start that

things fall apart, intentions shatter

she like that shit don't matter

when I get home get at her

through letter, phone, whatever

let's link, let's get together

shit you think not, think the Thought went home and forgot

time passed, we back in philly now she up in my spa

tellin me the things I'm tellin her is makin her hot

startin buildin with her constantly round the clock

now she in my world like hip-hop

and keep tellin me

[Chorus] x2

[Verse 2]

(Black Thought)

Yo, I'm the type that's always catchin a flight

and sometimes I gotta be out at the height of the night

and that's when she flip and get on some 'ol

(Eve)

Another lonely night

seems like I'm on the side you only loving your mic

I know you gotta get that paper daddy keep that shit tight

but yo I need some sort of love in my life, you dig me

while politicin with my sister from new york city

she said she know this ball player and he think I'm pretty

sike, I'm playin boo, you know it's just wit you I'm stayin boo

and when cats be poppin game I don't hear what they sayin boo

when you out there in the world, I'm still your girl

with all my classes I don't have the time for life's thrills

so when you sweatin on stage think of me when you rhyme

and don't be listenin to your homies they be leavin you blind

(Black Thought)

Yeah, so what you sayin I can trust you?

(Female Voice)

Is you crazy, you my king for real

(Both)

But sometimes relationships get ill

(Female Voice)

No doubt

[Chorus] x2

[Verse 3]

(Black Thought)

Thet snake could be that chick

and that rat could be that cool cat

that's whispering "she tryin to play you for the fool Black"

if something's on your chest then let it be known

see I'm not your every five minutes all on the phone

and on the topic of trust, it's just a matter of fact

that people bite back and fracture what's intact

and they'll forever be I ain't on some "oh I'm a celebrity"

I deal with the real so if it's artificial let it be

I've seen people caught in love like whirlwinds

listening to they squads and listening to girlfriends

that's exactly the point where they whole world ends

lies come in, that's where that drama begins, she like

[Chorus]

You Had Me At....

2010-11-22T07:01:00.000-08:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” ~ Neil Gaiman

What will they think of next??

2010-11-21T10:20:00.000-08:00

Tick the corresponding box. Leave On Car. Avoid Bloody Murder.

I should Let go.

2010-11-18T08:45:00.000-08:00

I love a man...
Its been a markedly long time since I could say that.
When I say this...
I say it unabashedly
No pride, No thought..No doubt.

I love this man...and it is doomed.
Doomed because the similarities go beyond generic shit like food, and music..
but converge on ethical choices, unspoken memories, irrational fears..even un-shared experiences.

Deep Shit.

It's Doomed...
because neither can pull the other out of that space that spells "Safe"

Cling to a pseudo relationship that is more ephemeral,
possibly imagined, un-physical....and still,
Shockingly..one of the most satisfying that I have ever had in my life.

Feeds that creative pig of mine that claims to want the things
not of the physical...the psychic connection,
the existential,symbiotic relationship.

Still.

It is a steady diet of denial
content to be miserable, lonely, yearning
Because I cannot, WILL not face the possibility
that HE is not what MY love should be...

We Pisces need to be miserable to be happy.

Shifting. Daily. On a pendulum of doubt and hope...
Let him go...Tell you heart to Let him Go.

Deny new contacts,new energies
Afraid to give up on the possibility of One..
A selfish self-flagellation.
Intentionally crushing the energies that seek mine.

A cosmic toy.
A perfect gadget..
Discarded until a memory triggers a fleeting need for it.

SHE WHO WILL NOT BE LOVED

should transform into...

She who will LET someone love her...

No REALIST can live in the land of WHAT COULD BE forever...

My heart's imagination cannot conjure a love song forever...

##Just saying

2010-11-18T08:02:00.000-08:00

Maybe a dude who works really hard to make you smile....

DAILY.....

sometimes at great personal pain....

Shouldnt be banished to the further regions of the netherworld by SHE WHO WILL NOT BE LOVED!!!!

#just saying

I so Love This Song. - I think im officially a Drake Fan

2010-11-14T11:09:00.000-08:00

So hard to breathe this air that we call love,
Aint nothing worse than the hurt we receive from love,
When you get hurt by the one you living for,
Pain can make you wanna love no more,

[Chorus]
Loving you no more,
I just I cant I just can’t be loving you no more,
I love you more than I love myself,
(x2)

Hurt with the heart thats bleeding slowly,
So many lonely sleepless nights,
Im going through hell to convince you love me,
But never her approval no matter how I try,
The way you talk to me but still I say I love you,
I’m ashamed you can see it in my eyes,
Momma always told me to respect the woman,
But what am I to do when her parents do not try,

So many tears I cried,
But all for nothing I’m afraid to say,
Oooooohhh

[Chorus]

I’ve been so dependent on your love for so long,
Punishment for me is trying to let go,
Give it from your heart is what you taught me,
Lyrics courtesy of killerhiphop.com
Addiction to pain is what it got me,
My life, now its changed,

My life aint the same as you are,
Heartbroken, to the point sometimes wanna end it,
If I can’t have what mean most to me,

So many tears I cried,
But all for nothing I’m afraid to say,

[Chorus]

[Drake]
Uh, trying not to over think
Only cause I’ve drove and I done had a lot to drink
When I wanted it blue you said we got to paint it pink
And there’s pieces of ya hair still sittin in my sink
And you still got underwear that’s sittin in the dryer
How come every time that you’re suspicious I’m a liar?
You stand out, I can hear you whistle in a choir
And that’s the only reason you the Mrs. I admire
Damn. Tell me what I’m gone do
Since everything I’m trying to forget is all true
Me and all your main girls get along too
I would take my last dollar out and bet it on you
But ahhhhh, you see the same one I’m missing
Is basically the reason I became something different
And just that I remember me before
And if you could do the same baby then we’ll be for sure

[Chorus]
Loving you no more,
I just I cant I just can’t be loving you no more,
I love you more than I love myself,
(x2)

ramble....no idea where this is going

2010-11-02T09:01:00.000-07:00

you know they say that life has to have balance....and to be blessed in One area of your life...most likely there is a gap somewhere else.
I believe that...
thats not even th point of this ....ramble.
Age is a Bitch.
It shows you all the shit you coulda done...based on your own potential.
Potential that is BETTER REVEALED TO TO YOU AFTER the opportunities to develop them may have escaped you...

aint that a bitch??
im not saying that thats whats happened to me...or im stuck in the limbo of unrealized drems...
but you finally realize what they mean when they say youth is wasted on the young...

Anyways..
Im realizing..that the closer i come to knowing what i want...
is the more i realize..
that shit just may not happen...
it takes all the magic out of existence sometimes...
It messes up your connections with people...
because they will never be to you ...what you USED to PRAY they were....
or you would be ...
to them..

and that...
my friend..

is HEARTBREAKING!!

it takes all the color out of moments that you believed were magic...
and turned everything to ....dusty grey flat drudging ...
nothingness...

NOTHINGNESS is heartbreaking...

steups.

You Had Me At.....Lupe.Fiasco. Streets. On. Fire.

2010-11-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

Lupe.Fiasco. Streets. On. Fire.

this barrage of .......talented men...that I've been sharing on these few days.....is a lead up to something...

when i get there..I hope I can share....

You Had Me At....Dwele - Weekend Love

2010-11-01T07:18:00.000-07:00

I had Dwele on constant play this weekeend. Renaissance Men.

For Us Girls who Wont Make it on a Music Video these days...:)

2010-10-30T17:08:00.000-07:00

This song makes me smile :)

The Greatness - Raheem Devaughn featuring Wale

You had me at.......Teddy Pendergrass

2010-10-29T05:35:00.000-07:00

This kinda love has to exist somewhere right? cause they sing about it.!! Teddy's sexxyyy....lol. I think my mother colored my perception of Sexy men. This was the era of men that my mom and aunts would be gushing over. I may not have known exactly what there were talking about then....but it stuck. Chocolate man, goatee, bright smile... AUTOMATIC CRUSH!
hahah Worse if he's talented. Teddy was alll those things. I feel like that lady in the audience who does that little Happy DANCE.
Renaissance men ROCK!

You Had Me At.....Street Lights

2010-10-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

Street Lights - Kanye

I love this song.
I love it because its the same lyrics over and over and over.
I've been there.
A train of thought ..that remains the same..but through the nuance of emphasis..and intent..and delivery - the CONTENT can change.
I'm a Kanye Stan.
I think I am cause i can relate to the tortured artist aspect. An overfilled brain...spewing content to avoid exploding. Lyrics after the jump

let me know, do i still got time to grow
things aint always set in stone
with that being, let me know
let me

seems like
streetlights
glowing
happened to be
just like moments
passing,
in front of me

so i hopped in,
the cab and
i paid my fare, see
i know my, destination
but im just not there

all seems like
streetlights
glowing
happened to be
just like moments
passing,
in front of me

so i hopped in,
the cab and
i paid my fare, see
i know my, destination
but im just not there

seems like
streetlights
glowing
happened to be
just like moments
passing,
in front of me

so i hopped in,
the cab and
i paid my fare, see
i know my, destination
but im just not there

life's just not fair

Alive.

2010-10-21T10:33:00.000-07:00

this month has been....
transforming...
a death of a friend...murdered ...in his own home..
leaving so many to mourn him...a humble, simple, genuine person.
Taken.

A death of another..days apart...
it feels like a sick joke.
younger than I am...a heart attack...

A baby son of a friend hospitalized...for days...

A family friend who scared the hell out of us..
by collapsing and being hospitalized for days..

At some moments...
I just want to rail at the ...Unfairness of it all...
in a way I'm still numb...
because to attempt to process all of this all once..
while still dealing with the hills and valleys of my own life..

Processing ...has left me..
almost DEVOID of responding.
I would think that its grief...
I can only imagine what those closer to them are feeling...
The THOUGHT of their grief paralyzes me..

the day to day silly simple conversations with my sister...i think has kept me ...
tethered..
that even in the midst of all this...
uncertainty and fear..and loss..
that I can hold on to
the No specific direction...
no specific purpose...
but ALTOGETHER necessary interaction with someone who values me...and I value.

I'm so unbelievably THANKFUL, GRATEFUL for this.

The truth is...
we could all be gone..TOMORROW.
TODAY.
Just.
Like.
That.

So cherish the people you hold close to you..
in spite of the disagreements,
the misunderstandings,
the conflicts,
the misgivings,

Cherish the ones who even just APPEAR to love you...
this life is fleeting..
so hold on to the tender moments and the not so tender..
because even those moments that you would rather escape...

those moments mean..
that you are here.

Alive.
With endless possibilities to grow, and love, and cry and learn.
Alive

....

2010-10-21T08:40:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure how exactly...
i just feel it...
so i smile sweetly..
and mourn the passing...
ignore the slew of questions sitting on my chest..
on my tongue...
in my soul..
because..i have no control over this...
Never did.

So i muddle through...
as always...
the soldier.

:) - My mood of the day...I havent been here in a good old while...Enjoy

2010-10-18T19:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't been here.......in a few years. count em ...4. Tell Cliv i said hi!

What if??

2010-10-18T19:15:00.001-07:00

its just coincidence and happen stance?
glass and mirrors...
flash no substance...??
what does that make me?

Sonnet LXVI: I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

2010-10-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

Memory

2010-10-05T07:14:00.000-07:00

Pain can surprise you..
old scars...issues thought buried...
realized in front of your eyes...
conjured by a memory...
back to the moment...

Listening to.......

2010-09-04T14:53:00.000-07:00

today....i put my ipod on random...and let it determine my mood. Needless to say..i kept playing this one over and over. My house now is spotless. Cleaning is purging for me....so even if my ...confused mental state isn't ...cured..a clean house helps the brain.
Enjoy your Labor Day weekend People.
Life as you want it isn't promised....but there is no alternative to it is there! :)

Lyrics after the jump

And I'm alright
Standing in the streetlights here
Is this meant for me
My time on the outside is over
We don't know how you're spending
all of your days
Knowing that love isn't here
You see the pictures
But you don't know their names
Cause love isn't here

Chorus
And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head
And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red

No sympathy
When shouting out is all you know
Behind your lies
I can see the secrets you don't show
We don't know how you're spending
All of your days
Knowing that love isn't here
You see the pictures
But you don't know their names
Cause love isn't here

Chorus
And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head
And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it red
When - you took something perfect
And painted it red

You take the best things from
Then everything gets empty
That's not a world that I need
Oooh, you take the best things from me
Then everything gets empty
That's not a world that I need
Oohhhh

Chorus
And I can't do this by myself
All of these problems, they're all in your head
And I can't be somebody else
You took something perfect
And painted it "red"

When - you took something perfect
And painted it red
(repeat)
You took something perfect
And painted it red