I carry you in my heart,

genuine laughter, straight from the soul and carried by the belly,
the smell of clean washed earth by rain as mysterious as the sunshine it conquered,
the imagery of pouii, strong and stately, the harbinger of days indoors, and imagined stories come full to life…
I carry you in my skin,
the KNOWING of where I am,
To be known, to be connected eternally, organically,
i remember you in my smile, my very voice..
a call to the altar of remembrance,
i hope it shines from me , shines like a warm tropical light…
i hope it floats from me…
like a perfume, identifying me…and claiming others,
I miss you today„,
I feel you on my skin
Ill see you soon …
Tobago..

I heard my voice today..

Let it go..
the hurt..the anger..the anxiety...
let it go.
the internal struggle..the fight between your best and worse self..
drop it..
Let it fall to the wayside ....drop the heavy armor..
the protective shell that you use to maintain the tender inside that is your heart....
Don't deny yourself the possibility of JOY..
Don't deny yourself the moments of pure FEELING that will keep you joyous in the dark times..
Everyday we're reminded of how fragile, how tenuous this life can be..
Step on fear with your feet and your heart..
Crush it..
Grind it into the dirt where it belongs..
Live as if there is ONLY love....
Choose to be brave...
We have only this life...
You have only this ONE existence in which to be happy...
Chase Happy. FERVENTLY..doggedly..
pursue it as if it is the final destination..
You will bring others with you...
Because hope and joy is contagious...
It will scream to the universe that this is what you deserve...
It will color you life in hues of wonder and awe...
You deserve it. We Deserve it.
Call it to you...
Scream it into the universe..
Joy.
Joy.
Joy.Joy.

I love a man...
Its been a markedly long time since I could say that.
When I say this...
I say it unabashedly
No pride, No thought..No doubt.

I love this man...and it is doomed.
Doomed because the similarities go beyond generic shit like food, and music..
but converge on ethical choices, unspoken memories, irrational fears..even un-shared experiences.

Deep Shit.

It's Doomed...
because neither can pull the other out of that space that spells "Safe"

Cling to a pseudo relationship that is more ephemeral,
possibly imagined, un-physical....and still,
Shockingly..one of the most satisfying that I have ever had in my life.

Feeds that creative pig of mine that claims to want the things
not of the physical...the psychic connection,
the existential,symbiotic relationship.

Still.

It is a steady diet of denial
content to be miserable, lonely, yearning
Because I cannot, WILL not face the possibility
that HE is not what MY love should be...

We Pisces need to be miserable to be happy.

Shifting. Daily. On a pendulum of doubt and hope...
Let him go...Tell you heart to Let him Go.

Deny new contacts,new energies
Afraid to give up on the possibility of One..
A selfish self-flagellation.
Intentionally crushing the energies that seek mine.

A cosmic toy.
A perfect gadget..
Discarded until a memory triggers a fleeting need for it.

SHE WHO WILL NOT BE LOVED

should transform into...

She who will LET someone love her...

No REALIST can live in the land of WHAT COULD BE forever...

My heart's imagination cannot conjure a love song forever...

SHE heard people say...
"Love the Ones that Love You"..

and SHE always thought it was cruel rhetoric..
spewed by bitter, calculating people who choose to crush the spark that is the very cornerstone of human existence..
SHE thought
You cant choose who you love...
Or why you love them...

SHE said
It is an explained matching of natural tendencies
of colliding sensibilities...
of pheromones bouncing across a plane of psychic connections...
charged..
ionic..

And yet...
SHE broke when the one SHE believed was created for her..
mangled the complex intricate spider web of what SHE thought was their love...
tendrils of memories and experiences whipped together and made strong by..
connections..
by conversations about existentialism...
and music ..
and poetry
and IT that is GOD
and life..
life
the thing of constant, alternating, parallel paths,
that eventually lead to an outcome that is changeable but..maybe not..
discernible...but sometimes not...
and the search for that path of THEM...would be made easier because SHE had HE by her side...

SHE
was wrong...

And SHE did what was expected of her...
Rewrite the Melody of her existence...
to a Solo...
a staccato...stilted dirge..
and any new Harmony of HIM that would raise its voice to join hers...
would be met by echo..
a roar of Silence..
a vacuum of SHE...

it comes...
light and slow...
teasing like a cheeky gnat or mosquito trying to dance on your ear...
Then it roars..
like an airplane..
but far over head...
impressing you with its weight and power..
but fooling you with its apparent distance from you...
and then it drops..
like an acme anvil from the looney toons series..
unexpected ,
deliberate,
unavoidable..

FEAR.

sometimes...
a girl....
even a fiercely independent...i can do this by myself....
kinda girl...
wants a moment...
that will take her breath away....
a connection that will warm even the cold wall of reserve that she has built around her self...
a genuine surprising smile that breaks across her face like a ray of misplaced sunshine in the midst of a rainstorm..
sometimes she wants to gasp as the thoughtfulness of a prepared, planned intentional thing....
that was done just for that response...
to see her smile....
to have her genuinely react to the effort...
sometimes...a strong girl...needs to be reminded that she doesn't have to be..an impenetrable wall of fierce..
to revel in the softness that she most always tries to bury....
because softness....is weakness...
sometimes a girl needs to be pushed....
to let go....if only just for THIS minute...
let go..let me love you....for JUST THIS MINUTE....
and you can return to to the shell that you've created to protect yourself from the harshness that is life...
sometimes...a girl just wants to be held...
so that the warmth can somehow penetrate to the tiny molecule of heat, of passion that she keeps buried deep deep within her...afraid to reveal it to the world and have even that taken away....
sometimes....
a girl needs a reminder that maybe...maybe one day...
she wont have to allow that other shell to be the only face the world will see...
that maybe the smile that comes from being loved, being seen, being known....
will be the only one she needs...

I hear you in music...
Your smile intermingled between the melodies...
your eyes float in between the chords of songs imagined...not realized...
a fragment of you in a suspended chord...
Suspended...
Lyrics come to me ..out of nowhere...from floating bits of emotion...
moments remembered..or conjured from somewhere outside of cognitive memory......






----and then it left me...

hahaha

i cant run from you..
i think of you often...and wonder if you think of me..
i know i hurt you...because i know i hurt myself by my actions...
I wonder if you miss me...
Im afraid to hear your voice...
because i will be back ...there ...AGAIN..
knowing that i need you ..
but still afraid to pursue you...
I know..that you love me.
Its a first for me..
this knowledge...
this awareness of you...this connection that comes from...........i dont know where..

you see me....
It scares me...
because everyone else sees the facade i so easily create..
i miss you...one.
I miss you..
I miss you

but my fear keeps me silent....
silent like dust...
silent
like unturned pages in books worth reading...
i almost want to be forced into loving you as you want me to..
I miss you...one.

forgive me.

..be a man of your word...
EVERY word..
like...
"Ill be there in twenty....
or..
I'll call you when I'm done..
Or...
this will ALL be over soon...
or..


If you want to keep her...
LOOK at her...
not around her....or next to her...
or when she cant FEEL you looking at her..

If you want to keep her...

remind her what you smell like...
or that you know what she smells like...

If you want to keep her...
Don't just rely on words to let her know she's beautiful..
she should know because you take advantage of Any opportunity to touch her..

If you want to keep her...

remember that the thought of you should bring a smile..
or a memory....
a smell ...a song...to mind...
and that requires focus and time ...



...then it disappeared..This has been a draft for so long...and I dont have the energy to even bring my brain back to that space right now...so I just published it

you


I;m sorry i wasn't ready for you...
I hope you're happy..
i hope one day we can see each other and nod hello...
and remember each other fondly..

My "SHE Power" woke me up this morning...
I think the universe was aligned..
And she woke me...
It was as sweet as a Morning kiss...
Waking up with a smile on your face and purpose in your heart..

"SHE's" soundtrack is Jill...
she runs the gamut of WOMAN emotions...
And Like Jill...
She is not an emaciated, vapid, nervous woman..
She is round, and sensuous...
And full..and deep...
And driven....and exuding such raw female power...
That you sense that she is a BARELY controlled INFERNO of emotions..
Hidden under a shimmering, Fragile,veneer of class and calm..
But dont push...
Don't push....or you have to live with consequences..and so will she..

I love when she's here..
I'm comfortable in my skin...
I'm powerful...
Beautiful..
Confident in my abilities..
In that... I KNOW I CAN TURN HIS HEAD..kinda way....
I step outside of myself when she's here..
I'm coy, and glowing...my skin electric with the awareness of ME
In that...I KNOW I'm hot kinda way..
In that...I Know I'm a creative, nerdy, genius, Sensual, complicated, complex, tortured person..
Buy My love is the SHIT!

It's not arrogant...
It's powerful...
its a tuning in to YOUR PLACE In the world...
Your place in life..
Your purpose driven life...
It makes dealing with day to day drama easier..
Because that SHE power is singing in your head..

She's singing..
You're wonderful..
You can handle this....and your body sways as she sings to your spirit...
A slow, swing.....Taking it in

SHE's singing...
You're spiritual..you can walk through this an emerge the victor..
SHE's singing...and you dance with the melody..

She sings..
IF he does not LOVE you..
..if he cannot LOVE the complexity of you,..
..the mystery of you that EVEN you cannot fully understand...
..he is not The Man for you..
And that is nothing to mourn ..but a reason to celebrate...

SHE sings...
Speak your truth,
Share your smile...let the world see you..
Face them...and let your SHINE spill over ..
So that the sisters around you can feel the pull of your energy and tap into it..

Then you'll do that Little nod of acknowledgment in the street
Nothing more ..
Nothing less..

But you're singing too...
yes SISTER ...
I see you too..
i FEEL you too..
I SEE YOU...

SHE power....share it.

Just Slap a B*^&th?
Just to feel the satisfaction of shutting her mouth up??
Just for the gratification of that minute of FEAR In her eyes..
so they know..
Yeah this chick JUST might be crazy...
I may need to watch myself..
Maybe I should stop being so SLICK out the mouth...
Maybe I should stop trying to manipulate situations so I look good...
and step on her in the process..

As grown women they tell you..
Dont step down to their level,
You're better than that
Youre a Lady...and a lady chooses her battles...
And when she chooses them she knows she will win.
Yes Val [Mommy] I'm listening....I always do..


But just for one moment..
just one..
What if..
JUST FOR TODAY...
i CHOOSE to stomp a chick head into the ground??
Just Once???
so I can see the imprint of my shoe on her face???
So that CSI can find HER DNA on the grooves in the bottom of my shoes??
So that she has to use a Tweezer to remove her Teeth from her ear??

Just once...





Angry Much?

I wrote these lyrics for a song i heard...
so instead of deleting them....im posting them here..:0

I cyah believe he right there next to me
Perfection in front of mi face
Is Push and pull
Hide and chase
I cyah believe he right there next to me
And I don’t know what to say
The two of us running away

I tried to hide the way I feel
But it all over mi face
This game we playing don’t feel like no game
I want to tell him that my love Is real..
But no..
It cyah go so
Cause I been down this road before ..

And he’s a man
He goh break your heart and leave you crying..
He’s a man…
Fling you like a salt prune seed when the flavor gone..
Blooming like a pouii tree under his reflection
but the Rainy season does end……
and your fear is the psalm that you sing in the end..

I cyah take the chance
I cant do the dance
This love feel too ancient
Too perfect too patient…

The risk is my heart
I cant play the part…
But my heart it still reaching…
For his love it beseeching..

I see your faces...
new souls...
with his smile...
and my eyes...
i talk to them....
they call to me..
in lonely moments..
fragments of dreams...and possibilities...
they smile at me...
they seem to be..
energy...
my best realized hopes....
maximized potential.
energy...
I seem to know their names...
although they dont exist ...yet
we're here...and waiting...to come into being...
to you..
I see you..

He is …
sanctuary and inspiration…conflict and calm, challenge and peace..
A mirror reflecting my true self back to me…
He speaks, and it is as if his words were encoded only for me...a rhythm that connects with mine and contorts into a tattooed beat of understanding and acceptance…
He smiles…and my soul lifts and euphoria creeps in through the shadows and seeps into my very self…
I hear him..like I hear no other…questioning even those truths that I've convinced myself are real..
In his presence…I feel like home…a home I only envisioned in my head…
Together we summon a power that neither of us can control…physically separate, yet forever spiritually joined..
Creatively charged ions that explode into Genius..
How can I not love him?

I’m possessed
Don’t worry about me
I know about it
No exorcism necessary
No prayers for deliverance
I need them

Evil imps crawl around behind my eyes
Whispering names and accusations
As they slink from region to region of the recessed brain
Little bright eyed devils
Whose eyes glint while I open my mouth to make casual conversation..
Poison gas creeping out of their orifices and seeping out of my mouth with vapid hellos
They want to run this shit,,
They do..
When they’re in control,
The skin glows
The lips pout
The body tingles with power
They position the limbs just so…
Reel them in bitch
The pheromones excited
Whipped to attention by the devilings coaxing them
And so
I’m wrapped…
In a cloud of evil, glowing,
Beautiful, sensual pheromones…
And they see it…
The Glow…
And they think it’s a happy glow

Little do they know…

But the angels in the heart help..
Sometimes they’re out numbered..
Sometimes they get tired of the fight
Constantly bombarded by the taunts of Loki in their brain
They pump the heart with their white energy..
Pushing it through the blood stream..
The antidote to evil..
And as they do…

I shudder
Eyes blink, pores raise,
Voices echo in my own head..
Listen to me
Listen to me
I’m the one who’ll set you free

Possessed I tell you…Possessed

11/12/2006