and another this morning...

That I'm still afraid to open...

The subject read

....Forgive me..I need you to help me through this...Please..

the email address is The EX Unit...

we been EX a while now...so much so that life when recalled almost feels like someone Else's

A know it all punk [stated lovingly] mentioned in passing once...that the destruction of that relationship had a greater impact on me than I care to acknowledge...

I'm Kinda forced to maybe accept that that may be true...It's one of my greatest Failures..and i hate to fail..that's the only CONCESSION on that I'll give..

anyways..

I haven't opened it....opened Them..

It's the anniversary of a Great Loss for him in his life...[why do i still remember that]
so I'm kinda obligated to believe that its not a forward...or an angry rant...or a insane accusation...

and I still cant grow the BALLS to open it..

I want to delete it..and ignore it...
Cause one..
I can't.....[READ won't] Forgive...
That..ANGER.... fueled my healing...
I'd like to think I am now..Healed ...right?
But the Anger is my friend now...
What the hell will replace it?

In this life you're gonna fail people..
even when you want to be there for them..you may fail them.
Just as they can fail you...
by not giving you exactly what you need or needed..
And i guess because i know that I may do that....
i have to learn to forgive others for failing me.

Cause sometimes...
I didn't know..I couldn't see..
or didn't push hard enough..Or you hid it too well..
Or I was so wrapped up in myself that I couldn't see that they were reaching..
Or even if i did see..
I wasn't strong enough to help or to give them what they needed...
Or fix the thing that was broken for them...
because I was too broken to reach across that chasm..
Just like I've felt was done to me...and wonder where is everyone??

None of us intend to hurt..ALL the time..
or to not have stepped up...
And although we think we know the ones around us..
Sometimes even we cant see that they need ..Just us..

So..
Forgive me..over and over again.....
and Ill forgive you..over and over again..
and Forgive myself too

Maybe that's what love is....