you know they say that life has to have balance....and to be blessed in One area of your life...most likely there is a gap somewhere else.
I believe that...
thats not even th point of this ....ramble.
Age is a Bitch.
It shows you all the shit you coulda done...based on your own potential.
Potential that is BETTER REVEALED TO TO YOU AFTER the opportunities to develop them may have escaped you...

aint that a bitch??
im not saying that thats whats happened to me...or im stuck in the limbo of unrealized drems...
but you finally realize what they mean when they say youth is wasted on the young...

Anyways..
Im realizing..that the closer i come to knowing what i want...
is the more i realize..
that shit just may not happen...
it takes all the magic out of existence sometimes...
It messes up your connections with people...
because they will never be to you ...what you USED to PRAY they were....
or you would be ...
to them..

and that...
my friend..

is HEARTBREAKING!!

it takes all the color out of moments that you believed were magic...
and turned everything to ....dusty grey flat drudging ...
nothingness...

NOTHINGNESS is heartbreaking...

steups.

Ive been busy..
Completely focussed...single minded..
and now...thats its over..
I'm Compelled to write again...
I guess thats the purpose of this???

its like a cyclical thing huh....
When i come down off the Life high..
when i actually have time to process a thought....
instead of slicing into the core issue and extracting a result..
I have the time for conjecture and pondering...
so i wanna write..

I'm going through something now too..
I can't ...exactly say what it is either...
aint that a bitch??
its a restlessness...but for what i have no clue??
Like my actions are being governed by a seeking??? a CALLING??
a push to something that I have no clue why... or what I need...
It's hard to say exactly what it is..

I know its not governed by fear...it seems brazen...demanding...open..
I'm embracing it though...
Maybe its my mid life crisis???
My mom asked me if i were reinventing myself...
It doesnt feel like that....its not...contrived..or based on some self help analysis..
Self help doesnt work for me..

But it feels like a breaking...??
..an escaping from something...
Im not eager to talk about it much....
cause then Ill have to define it...and even in my most eloquent moments...
it still escapes me..

It has me talking to the moon at night...
I Hope its listening...

hi..


I guess Im back.

to be missed...

it sucks...to be ..Dis-missed..

things weren't so complicated...
where words were only as they were said...
and sweet discoveries were made each day..
when fate and and hope collided and the explosion shook the world..
and creativity sprang...like clean water from the earth

sigh...


I miss that...


[remember i ramble..this flew into me head...lol..i think its the moon]



----------------
Now playing: Slum Village - Tell Me (feat. D'Angelo)
via FoxyTunes

In this life you're gonna fail people..
even when you want to be there for them..you may fail them.
Just as they can fail you...
by not giving you exactly what you need or needed..
And i guess because i know that I may do that....
i have to learn to forgive others for failing me.

Cause sometimes...
I didn't know..I couldn't see..
or didn't push hard enough..Or you hid it too well..
Or I was so wrapped up in myself that I couldn't see that they were reaching..
Or even if i did see..
I wasn't strong enough to help or to give them what they needed...
Or fix the thing that was broken for them...
because I was too broken to reach across that chasm..
Just like I've felt was done to me...and wonder where is everyone??

None of us intend to hurt..ALL the time..
or to not have stepped up...
And although we think we know the ones around us..
Sometimes even we cant see that they need ..Just us..

So..
Forgive me..over and over again.....
and Ill forgive you..over and over again..
and Forgive myself too

Maybe that's what love is....