sooo... In the past few months...I've been going through some emotional , physical and financial..Trials...for want of a better word.
Some of this anxiety may be considered as well ...self induced.... I don't think that's what it is....

I left my home...my island....as a sheltered, naive "girl" (a brown girl..)...armed only with optimism and intelligence (book sense) and the armor of my family's love and a small island style support. A cushion somewhat I guess....that made reality seem to be a golden, charmed thing....In retrospect...I'm so thankful for that extended family that Tobago gave to me....an entire island wishing you well, sending you prayers...

But in this wasteland of culture..(sorry America)...that protection can wear off. I think with me it did. The details of that erosion are too much for me to try to write about now.

The point of this wandering diatribe... is that underneath this stark moment of conflict and upheaval that I'm experiencing right now.......is that golden charmed essence that I left with at 19. I feel it. I think its the catharsis that this 30 year old needs right now. Even physically, I feel like im regressing to that person that stepped on the plane...as an island girl, with promise and optimism. My body, the hair ( yes...its gone again), but Im feeling the smile return to my eyes. Yeah...they might be tired and teary at the moment.....but I feel that its transient....

The transition from girl to ..(gulp...dare I say it?) woman is making me tear away at the things that Ive been using as a superficial armor. This life is hard...so people make concessions in their lives that dont point towards "Happy". "Happy is secondary...Stable? Comfortable. Yes. Happy is the afterthought. Something is pushing me in the other direction. I prefer the protection of peace and contentment...I must have it....I pray that the other "things" will come along with it.

Its time for honesty to me...and to the people around me....knowing the...upheaval it will cause. Pretending that the other things are fulfilling me can no longer work.

It's almost like opening a gift that you know is for you. You see it nicely wrapped and placed..perfect with its ornament..and ribbon. And you need to know whats inside it...but you know that the wrapping will never look as beautiful as it does right now. But you HAVE to open it....and you carefully take the paper off....slowly, carefully.... hoping that you can put it back together after and cover up again whats inside.

But when you do open it...you know immediately that it is yours. You can't give it up....or cover it up. You dont want to wrap it up and hide it...and place it neat and pretty as it was before. Its OPEN. Done. You want to display it..and claim it... not re-wrap it....its your "present".