You know...
when you let people in your life...
you do it out of love...
and respect and appreciation...
and when these people act...well.. less than kind with you...
less than understanding..,
you get thrown so off balance that you lose that energy that Drive..

I can speak for myself..
I TURN into somebody else...
a mousy, introverted, un-confident shell of myself...

My spirit withers..and with it goes all my creative energies,
and wit and sarcasm...
the SAME ENERGY that drew them to me in the first place..

its like I go through an energy displacement...
forgetting what my TRUE personality is...
One of my personal weaknesses is that I CARE what people think of me....
It makes too much of an impact on me.
Even that is lopsided in its scope...
Because if I'm okay with the way the situation went...
I'm alright...

I guess I'm judging them judging me ...
on my own morality/principle/ethics scale...
and If I come up short..
I'm devastated...
But I realize that even miss empathic, sensitive me
can decide to ...
screw them...
and do me...
and have God/Universe/Karma take care of the rest...

Cause the arrogance of Self righteousness..
doesn't look good on anybody...
Myself Included...

its such an energy boost to do that..
to be BE me...as me.....
I thought being forgiven would be the only way to absolve myself...
To have the acknowledgement of understanding be a balm..

But if I wait for that...
i'm just waiting....

and then all my positive energy sits...
gathering Dust...

and personally I prefer that side of me..
it counterbalances the dark side..
the flawed one with baggage that could fill a hangar...

Everybody goes through things that shape their view of life..
their present...future..

And that mind set throws a cast on the way things are perceived...

This year has been a peeling back of layers for me....
and just like an onion...the tears have come...
but its such a release....
of a burden i think I've been carrying ALL my life..

Since I was SELF aware..
I felt i had an obligation...
to DO...
to BE...
WHAT exactly I didnt know...

It's not even about my parents goals for me...
Or the impressions made on me by my stellar overachieving family..

It's just been ME pressuring ME to be MORE!..
and when you do that to yourself..
you cant even acknowledge the achievements,
or successes that you do have..and have done..

You cant appreciate the things that people acknowledge in you...
You can't acknowledge that you....as YOU..can be enough..

I can...
I can be......enough.


Why has it taken me this long to figure this shit out??