So...ive been listening to Lauryn Hill a lot these past days....lol..probably because she seems so tortured and agitated...a perfect reflection of my mood at the moment.

Im honestly trying to find that...well...calm that seems so elusive to even her....shes moves from seemingly calm moments of clarity (thanks Geoff) and certainty...to almost painful wracking periods of despair and anger...Thank God she had that Guitar and a writing instrument...somewhere to vent all that emotion.....

Maybe I should buy a Guitar????

[Strength is coming....I can feel it....thank God..can you tattoo a whole song on your back?]

Selah
Nothing can be done against the truth
No matter how we remain in denial
Wasting time Replacing time
With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while
Coping with despair
Knowing you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool
So I blame it on the Son
Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule

Trapped in misery
Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that im wearing like a skin
Dying to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin

Oh I'm such a mess
I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong
Lying to myself
And everybody else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong

And then He came
Selah
And it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
And it means
Did you think about that?
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is sealed

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaved so foolishly
This treason from within
That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til it sees the death of me
Selfishly addicted
To a life that I depicted
Conflicted cuz it's not reality
Oh what's left of me
I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree with what I know is best for me

Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal
The choices that Ive made
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space
Should I die before I wake?

In all of my religion
I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decisions
Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

And then He came
Selah
And it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
And it means
Did you think about that?
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is sealed
And then He came
And then He came
Then He came,
then He came,
then He came
And then He came

Sulu was my first pet.
David gave him to me as a surprise.
We had really gone to look at Mastiff's cause I was convinced that i HAD TO HAVE ONE.
We went to the pet shop, and i'm there looking at all the dogs..on the floor covered in puppies.
For a woman with no kids...that's a wonderful thing.
Anyway, the girl at the store just opened the cages...
And he walked right over to me...
And sat in my lap..
Like he was supposed to be there...and he was..


When they told us how much he cost [Think PURE BRED , AKC registered, MALE puppy...or more like a month's rent]
I almost cried thinking i- have to leave him here in this awful cage..with these evil bastard dogs [that's what the mastiff's were by then]

And we left.With me bravely trying to act like it was no big deal.


Two days later David came home...Renee was here visiting..I remember being on the phone with her while I walked to the door...and there David stood with Sulu in his hands..

Priceless moment.

I spent the next couple of nights sleeping on the floor with himI remember david saying..aren;t you gonna come to bed...but he would cry and I would DIE!!

Needless to say, he charmed the pants off of everybody becasue he was so loving. Even MOMMY who thinks dogs should be in the yard and not in the house.

We had to lift him down the stairs the first couple of weeks.

And tricia fed him beer at Thanksgiving dinner... dont lie tricia i know you didand he grew so big, that he walked me not the other way around.

He chewed 17 pairs of my shoes in his lifetime..

And when my house turned into a mas camp, he was there, eating feathers and sh%^&*ing beads, that's when he got the name Soca Sulu, cause he ended up in our costume pictures.

and when he was lost my heart broke..
But i love you Sulu Shado Robley