Soo....Renee is in town...which usually means that all the Social events that I’ve become so adept at avoiding ...much to my friends dismay...especially the ones who call me to make sure that I’m leaving...and I still never reach...sigh... I cannot avoid because she will not LET ME!!!@! She has no idea how comfortable I have become with sitting my butt in my favourite chair with a laptop on one side remote on the other...and book on the floor....sigh..Now THAT my friend is a Saturday NIGHT!!!

I must admit though that I’ve quite enjoyed our runs to Emerald Coast, and to the mall....( a glimpse of the maven i once was reappears when we hit downtown Miami and I see the PERFECT SHOES and bought the same one in two different colors....sigh. Four shoes in less than TWENTY MINUTES BABY!!! ..yessssssssssss)....and eating Macdonald's in the car in the parking lot...because we want to eat in peace...and THEN DRIVE...

Anyways...she Insisted that we ARE GOING TO THIS CONCERT..One Love Festival...featuring Gregory Isaacs, and Buju and Coco Tea (who did not Show) and some guy who warmed up the show...but he was wayyyyyyyy too long...and wtf was up with his 2 person fan club???? Two screaming white girls up on the balcony...who seems to be the ONLY PERSONS IN THE ROOM WHO KNEW THE LYRICS TO HIS SONGS!!!!.

And while I'm semi tempted at the thought of seeing Buju Perform live.....the fact that this concert is on a weeknight...which will SERIOUSLY cut into my sleep time is kinda daunting.....Plus the world's best commercials is on at 9 on TBS....and i DONT have TIVO...yes i know I'm crawling towards it...

Now...here's the god honest truth. ...I don't like going to revolutions....because "that BWAY" usually there...and while the attempts at civility seems to be holding strong these past months....i feel like I'm being watched....like the flippin sound track from X-files is runnin in the back of my head....and people are peeping...and i don’t just mean "that BWAY"..... But those people who knew me with "THAT bway" like I'm under inspection and investigation for responses to seeing him...I’m still waiting to go somewhere and not have to do a countdown as to how long I can have a conversation with someone without the question coming up... It usually goes like this:


"Insert name here": "Hey Cliv...how are you...where you been?
Cliv : "Oh I been around.....work and stuff...how are you?? getting ready for Carnival you know...
TICKING BEGINS..T minus 5 Seconds)

"Insert name here": "Oh yeah....it’s about that time right.(4)...I thought you left town...I don’t see you any more...(3)..(while checking me out to see signs of distress, starvation …abnormal smoking…water retention…crossed eyes…distended stomach..)

Cliv: "just been busy....well it’s nice to see you.....ok?.

(OMG am I gonna make it?? a full stinking conversation?? with out....(2)... )

"Insert name here": " So you and "THAT BWAY”……????? BOOOOOOOMM


AAAARRRGHH....wha di mudda ass....is that any of your flippin business in the first place??? And am I not enough of a person to be Just ME? You noticed me to say hello...so I'm obviously quite visible and HUMAN without…………..woooosahhhhhh...

That’s' why if I DO choose to venture out of Egypt..(cause I’m so damn far from everything including a convenient Starbucks) I prefer to go to poetry night at the district, or to jazz clubs....or go to a sushi bar..(Newly converted) because our island people tend to define you by who you are to OTHERS.....or how you are seen by others....and it's not just a Trini thing or a Jamaican thing....its definitely an island thing. The good thing is though is that I’m recovering my NAME...lol..with out the "identifiers" on it....

I digress....

So anyways.....after the Sis announces that tickets are purchased ...I have to figure out what the hell I’m gonna wear...


Shoot...i ain't no empress...earth earth ...Rasta rule the world....and you know gonna be pure Rasta......natural sisters...
with that inner glow that comes from denying themselves the pleasure of Bacon, and Pork Chops and Processed food…and salt...and real milk……yikes....
while MY glow comes from...Burger King Angus Burger with Bacon...(FYAH BUN SWINE...yes Renée...i hear you), MAC number 34 Studio Fix and that AMAZING bronzer I found for 2.00 at CVS. sigh..

Plus my other dilemma is ...since I've turned myself into the domestic diva reality TV, internet, my space, obscure novelist, foreign film, junkie, my other passion...SHOPPING...lol..has fallen to the wayside.... well I still shop ...but I get excited over that cute little throw rug I saw at the Super Wal-Mart.. (I’m rapidly progressing to that old lady with the 3 cats named Booboo, Squiggy, and Victor...hmm i think )

So do i try to go Earth sister for the night??

Hell nah....i fix the "almost Mohawk”…(details to follow), put on my jeans and a shirt...and Head out the door....and herein lies my error of the night...

My new purchases....my shoes...Now a true shoe addict knows that regardless of the price and style and design of a shoe...Jimmy Choo's to Gen Eration....new shoes need to be broken in....and while these were so fierce...and singing to me in that voice.." Mommy we need you, Mommy we need you"...i should have ignored their taunting cries...DEVIL CRIES!!....and said "Not tonight babies"....and left them at home...Buju was too much for youngsters anyways.....but no....they wooed me....and I answered...FOOLISH FOOLISH GIRL!!!....so they went with me...Fierce...even though no one could see em but me under my jeans.....

After a phone call from Armani Boy...I’m instructed to please be ready at 9:30. So this means that I need to start to get ready at 8....but strange enough the tickets say show time at 8...am i gonna miss Buju?? huh? but i cannot contradict Armani boy ..steups even Renee can’t....and face the wrath of his quick Jamaican wit...so I dutifully get ready for Nine....shoes and all....

So I'm thinking this is my break in shoe process...walking around the apartment while I wait for them to pick me up....No problem mon....Strap is at comfort level....nothing rubbin on the edges...I’m good...plus...IM FIERCE remember??

Okay so Armani boy shows up at 10.00. And still I’m fine...we go through the normal platitudes...Renee asks me where you get that top ? I say I’ve had this for ever....I commend her on attempting to wear her hair in a pony tail...and I squeak...what if we miss Buju...to which Armani boy chuckles...and states Nah man...

So we arrive at the club....and as we get there….the band is just striking up….thank god...I didn’t miss anything...but a nagging creeping little suggestion of an ISSUE is creeping up on me....but i ignore it...and keep going...

We have our tickets....we go inside...where its nice and cool INSIDE the club....but nothing is going on there...and we step OUTIDE in to the concert area....and Immediately....

it is MUGGY, and HOT, and sticky and blehhhh.....and that little niggling sensation is definitely there...Faint but there...hmm....ignore it....

Armani boy and Dj Friend leaves me in charge of Renee and goes off to the howdi does...lol...I do my fair share…smile pinned onto my face… with Renee in the back avoiding those she wants to ....and acknowledging those she does not...

See ..i KNOW I smile too much...if i didn’t then people wouldn’t come up and say hi and Hover and shit...

So we find a place that allows me to see from the nostrils UP of the performers on stage....not in the main thoroughfare of the party....but close enough to the bar and the bathroom ...with a vantage point of seeing who walks in and out….PLACEMENT my friend is VERY important in these events....

Armani boy buys me a drink..(I like him) and him a water....and after kissing the sister ..."Be back" disappears...lol.. At least he has the camera with him up front with the DJ crew..so we get great pictures of the artists that I really cyah identify CAUSE I CANT SEE THEM.!!!

at which point the sister and I BOTH admit....almost simultaneously....MY FEEL HURT!!!!

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.....

So we take a drink...and try to stand up in a way that moves the body weight AWAY from the area of the shoe that is the most painful...for her its the straps across the front...(on aside...the shoe she is wearing is also brand new....and also a style that I also own...its just a different color...we have a tendency of doing that...at least tonight we didn’t have the same ones on at he same time)... ..for mine it’s the cut out area at the front…open toe?? That seems to be choosing to press against the second and first toe on the right foot….and the ankle strap on the left…DETAILS….See she can lean back, and put her weight on barricade or something and have temporary relief. MY problem is a dual one…because what fixes the one foot…aggravates the next!!

We Buy a drink...hoping a Hennessy and Red Bull and CLOSE CONCENTRATION on the artists on stage....We manage ....lol...we go to the bathroom, chill in the AC a bit...and go back outside....jus waiting for BUJU…even the brief sighting of “THAT BWAY” was a mere passing thing in light of the shoes…


AT this point we both do not want to admit that the shoes have taken control of the brain and are STEPPING ON THEM...pushing their pointy heels into the nerves that control eye watering, and sinus drippings, that the high arches have now pushed straight through from the floor up into the base of my head and was trying to force my brain out through my ears....

BUT I WILL NOT MISS BUJU!!!

lol....I give thanks to our years of pointe training....Our ballet teacher said...No one must know that your toes are bleeding and that the nail has fallen off…your face must remain devoid of pain…lol….move gracefully, light as a feather…while the nerve endings in your toes are RAW AND TWITCHING AND SCREAMING!! See? Training is everything…

Do you know what the Hilarious thing is?? Renee and I have done this before. Who can forget that night at Big Fish when we ventured testing our newly purchased, plastic still on the bottom , HOT TO DEATH shoes that we bought outfits to match…NOT THE OTHER WAY AROUND…..lol…and realizing at about 3 am that we had stopped dancing and were doing the same thing…propping our feet up…..DAMN NEW SHOE SMELL!!! EVIL EVIL THING!! We walked out of Big Phat fish that night giggling and Gingerly…lol…having to sit in the car for a few minutes for the blood to return to our cramped pinched toes…lol…fortunately those shoes got officially broken in after Big Bottom Gyal and Roll it…lol

Finally BUJU….awesome…can I Just say awesome?? And his back up singers are AMAZING…reminiscent of the I three’s …even with the dance movements which I tried to recreate much to Renee and Armani’s Boys embarrassment….lol…but even Buju singing his Pre-conscious music….could not soothe the feet…so…after trying my best to make it through to Not an Easy Road…we GAVE up..lol…picked up our food that we had ordered 2 hours before so we would take it home…said good bye to the stalkers who believed me to be Lisa from Trinidad visiting for one week to check out universities, and heading back home tomorrow…with Renee’s cell phone number…BWAHAHAHHAHAH..ah joke still..Renee….lol…we walk…heads erect shoulders back…toes dying….back to the car….or to the near vicinity…where we hold on to each other for support…while Armani boy runs to the car….we creeeeep…and Drag the offending articles off our feet reverently...

At least we know they won’t hurt us the next time we wear them…

Oh…and ps….

The Show was Good…lol Gregory Isaacs remembered twenty percent of his songs..that alone is an achievement

sooo...yesterday was the photo shoot....

We get there at 12 ( doh lie Clivia...you were late 12:30) nothing starts till say 2. so Clivia the Artist is immediately sensitive and testy and wants to pee..and go back in the car and hide...and start over the blasted costumes...you KNOW that braid wasnt right...and why di arse you think you is Mac Farlane and bending wire...STUPID STUPID STUPID!!!

.....while Tallest the section leader jus brazen and busy...and looking for design elements to vaguely plagiarize.......so we walk into the rooms where the costumes are. and....

We alright...... nothing to worry about it..we made the cut .... In terms of design and color...nothing is lacking ....and our color Combination i think is one of the most striking out of all of them...

needless to say i walked back out the house......and ran around the block......and did a dutty wine....*singing* " We pretty...take a wine take a wine now"...phew ...

Remember i was really concerned about "CUTE BOY'S section...its very nice...but i still think we okay......

I was having visions of Pride and Sea Wrasse in my head. (non mas players..google it!!) ...thank you jesus..

anyways so now we get to the shoot itself...

I brought makeup and stuff for Tisha our model....Tish names don't need protecting she needs EXPOSURE!!

So i start doing her face....(Alana the Make up artist does all ofClivia the artists Makeup for Tallest the Section Leader...KEEP UP PEOPLE!!!! MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES!!!)

Of course i use the colors of the costume and we already know how striking Tish is...( i dont protect Tish's identitiy becasue she need EXPOSURE!!!

So i do the MAC Glamour face ..lol..and everybody else starts asking....
"CAN you do mine???" ...None of these girls walked with makeup..NONE..so i ended up doing everybody's face... anyways...at this point i tell MAS BAND MAN that i don't have a male costume cause we didn't get the pants in...

How about the Genx man runs around his house rummaging and brings me a Navy blue short short pants an tells me to use that.
I said HELL no...we're gonna go without it..

Anyways on to the shoot....they had the girls dressed up..some of them were really stiff and static...and just posing...and this time they did video too.....

Now mind you we have soca playing and beer running and everything...so they could loosen up...( steups I dont know bout dem but I was well nice...)and they were still stiff and static....

its a pity they dont have chocolate midget models....i woulda been FIERCE!!!

so about 6 costumes in...they said Tish your turn...

Now...Tish is a pro as we know...and she goes in...

She's the tallest chick in the room......the photographer had to stand on a chair...lol..no male counterpart...just her...and the standard....anyways...so she starts posing...like...professional poses...not like the other girls smiling cheese at the camera.. and then...

the foolish foolish foolish camera man...said

DANCE....
oh dear....
The WHOLE ROOM was in shock....that girl SHOULD BE AN HONORARY TRINI... the guys started screaming....the girls were asking who the hell is she...and the photographer nearly fell over...plus GenXMAN picked up his own camera and video taped the girl..lol

SHE WAS AMAZING...you would all have been very proud...

so then they took pictures outside in the sun with all the costumes....and once again the costume looked realllly amazing....

so now this is about 4 o'clock...and GenXMAN asks us to go to the Miami Carnival Launch..
by now ALL the personalities tired...

EXCEPT FOR MAVIS THE MACO...(non trinis ...google it...damn...thats a feature they need to add yes..) So we drove over there...and went inside to set up...in the MASBAND Tshirts...

MIAMI CARNIVAL LADY nearly had a conniption...what are you guys doing here?
Are you registered in Miami?

So of course I'm thinking ...this is not what I came here for...I call GenXMAN.He says...we'll take care of it ...BAM...we registered to play
So we set up the table...mind you the place is HOT as hell...oh..and misfits are there....and Cutler ridge sports club........on an aside...these girls are now VIBRATIONZZ!!] and they're drawings are really nice..I'm so proud of them.), and China, and Radikal, and Acapai, and Islandfntsys, and Wassi ones, ..and people seemed generally happy to see MASBAND ( who di arse i think i foolin with dis??) was there...

I was jus uncomfortable...cause of the unregistered thing...and then..and we went home..long ass day...when I get the pics back...ill share it with everybody... ..

Now i don't care who laughs....and anyways i have a tendency to turn my moments into soap opera scenes...but I finally have access back to my blog...after playing with some setting that made me just a visitor lmfao...

Thanks Renee...

Now i can rant as I'd please...but so much has happened in betweeen my last post and the next ...that I'll just say....that hope is approaching...

So...ive been listening to Lauryn Hill a lot these past days....lol..probably because she seems so tortured and agitated...a perfect reflection of my mood at the moment.

Im honestly trying to find that...well...calm that seems so elusive to even her....shes moves from seemingly calm moments of clarity (thanks Geoff) and certainty...to almost painful wracking periods of despair and anger...Thank God she had that Guitar and a writing instrument...somewhere to vent all that emotion.....

Maybe I should buy a Guitar????

[Strength is coming....I can feel it....thank God..can you tattoo a whole song on your back?]

Selah
Nothing can be done against the truth
No matter how we remain in denial
Wasting time Replacing time
With each empty excuse
But that'll only work a little while
Coping with despair
Knowing you're not there
Ashamed to just admit
I've been a fool
So I blame it on the Son
Run away from everyone
Hoping to escape this ridicule

Trapped in misery
Wrapped so miserably
In this deception that im wearing like a skin
Dying to maintain
Oh I keep trying to explain
A heart that never loved me to begin

Oh I'm such a mess
I have no choice but to confess
That I've been desperately trying to belong
Lying to myself
And everybody else
Refusing to admit my right was wrong

And then He came
Selah
And it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
And it means
Did you think about that?
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is sealed

How beautiful is fruit still in denial of its roots?
My guilty heart behaved so foolishly
This treason from within
That reasons with my sin
Won't be happy til it sees the death of me
Selfishly addicted
To a life that I depicted
Conflicted cuz it's not reality
Oh what's left of me
I beg you desperately
Cause me to agree with what I know is best for me

Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal
The choices that Ive made
Oh have been nothing but mistakes
What a wasted use of space
Should I die before I wake?

In all of my religion
I've fortified this prison
Obligated to obey
The demands of bad decisions
Please save me from myself
I need You to save me from myself
Please save me from myself so I can heal

And then He came
Selah
And it means
Praise and meditation
And then He came
Selah
And it means
Did you think about that?
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
Meditation
And then He came
Selah
Oh and it means
That it is sealed
And then He came
And then He came
Then He came,
then He came,
then He came
And then He came

Sulu was my first pet.
David gave him to me as a surprise.
We had really gone to look at Mastiff's cause I was convinced that i HAD TO HAVE ONE.
We went to the pet shop, and i'm there looking at all the dogs..on the floor covered in puppies.
For a woman with no kids...that's a wonderful thing.
Anyway, the girl at the store just opened the cages...
And he walked right over to me...
And sat in my lap..
Like he was supposed to be there...and he was..


When they told us how much he cost [Think PURE BRED , AKC registered, MALE puppy...or more like a month's rent]
I almost cried thinking i- have to leave him here in this awful cage..with these evil bastard dogs [that's what the mastiff's were by then]

And we left.With me bravely trying to act like it was no big deal.


Two days later David came home...Renee was here visiting..I remember being on the phone with her while I walked to the door...and there David stood with Sulu in his hands..

Priceless moment.

I spent the next couple of nights sleeping on the floor with himI remember david saying..aren;t you gonna come to bed...but he would cry and I would DIE!!

Needless to say, he charmed the pants off of everybody becasue he was so loving. Even MOMMY who thinks dogs should be in the yard and not in the house.

We had to lift him down the stairs the first couple of weeks.

And tricia fed him beer at Thanksgiving dinner... dont lie tricia i know you didand he grew so big, that he walked me not the other way around.

He chewed 17 pairs of my shoes in his lifetime..

And when my house turned into a mas camp, he was there, eating feathers and sh%^&*ing beads, that's when he got the name Soca Sulu, cause he ended up in our costume pictures.

and when he was lost my heart broke..
But i love you Sulu Shado Robley

So...I guess I'm single again...and with it has come all these insecurities...about my body, and my intelligence...and my abilities to cope with life...

My friends and loved ones try to reassure me that I'm perfectly capable of dealing with whatever I run into...

But at night the demons come...

they're called insecurity, and fear and failure...

I'm a cancer survivor...and during my therapy a lot of issues raised their heads with me.....things that had nevr affected me before...

Stupid shit....like...I can't take a compliment....I cant trust that what someone is saying to me is genuine....or that I'm anything that they believe I am...

Stupid shit...Iike being so critical of myself that I cry to myself at night....

Stupid shit....like doubting if my brain is capable of staying strong through this shit....

Stupid shit...like......am I good enough, or strong enough....or smart enough....

I sound like a basket case...huh?

Im learning really quickly that silence can work so well to say what you want to say.
In these days of accidental deaths, when people or things can be taken away from you in the flash of an eye, when the thing that seems so achingly important to you at that moment can just disappear....shouldnt your energies be focused on your own growth and what is best for yourself and your family??
Is pride such an issue that you have to continue a grudge or war that noone else seems to care about?

for those non Stephen King readers.....slippage is the gradual disintegration of something...so slow that you barely notice it......it happens right in front of your eyes....but you dont notice it....till you can't fix it.... Young enough to know that SOME things are far behind you...Old enough to finally be aware of your own potential, purpose....and experienced enough to acknowledge that the things you had planned to do since you were a kid may never happen...

sigh..

I hate this friggin weather..

When you hate, the only person who SUFFERS is you because half the people you hate DON'T KNOW IT and the other half DON'T CARE. That is something that I have come to learn and I think it's something to live by.

So to "anyone", anywhere who think you hate/dislike me I say this to you:

There is no need to talk about me because I'm not gonna hear it....
No need to look at me like you're trying to intimidate me cause I won't see you anyway,

So don't waste your time because either I don't know you hate me or I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK...hahaha (Y'all know who you are).

Couldn’t have given you more.
I tried to love you like you loved me.
Maybe for wrong reasons....maybe.
At first it was beautiful.
Every girl has a fairytale.
But then you wake up and see it’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
It turned into screaming days and solo nights.
Just wasn’t right (yeah...)
I didn’t really wanna see you,
was happy when you were leaving yeah...
I liked how it felt when I was by myself.
And that’s the way I wanna be,
So please, don’t beg and plead,
Just let it be. Just let it be...

Chorus
I gotta go. I gotta leave.
So please don’t make it hard for me.
I’ve given up, I’m tired of love, I gotta let it go...(2x)

Couldn’t have given you more,
Gave you everything.
There wasn’t anything that you were denied (yeah).
But you should never give it all...
‘cause sometimes there’s nothing left but bitterness and regret, and it just ain’t worth it.
‘Cause then there’s the sudden change
Out of nowhere, it seems.
Never know I could be so mean, But that’s just how far you pushed me (yeah).
You say it just isn’t fair and you didn’t know.
You need to take responsibility for your own, ‘cause you’re grown.
And you known (yeah)

Chorus
I gotta go. I gotta leave.
So please don’t make it hard for me. I’ve given up, I’m tired of love, I gotta let it go...(2x)

Now I take the blame for trying to stay and work it out.
Shoulda left before it got complicated,
Shoulda left when there was still some happiness.
Yes I take the blame for having faith in the relationship.
I thought it made me complete,
but the truth is, I’m complete without it.

Chorus
I gotta go.
I gotta leave.
So please don’t make it hard for me. I’ve given up, I’m tired of love, I gotta let it go...(2x)

[From a blog that I'm phasing out]

I wonder sometimes if people act a certain way to make sure that they "appear" to be this person in your eyes. I would hope that my friends don't do that.
Mere acquaintances i dont care about.....but i would hate to think that the people i treasure for who they are ....are pretending to be who i THINK they are...

sigh...in all things...

Be yourself.... that way expectations for and of you will always be realistic.

Any person who cannot acknowledge that you too are capable of dreams, Any person too selfish to see that you too have a soul, and a voice, and a vision for your lifeAnyone who cannot step out of themselves and see that......should be walked away from with no regret...only REJOICING!!!

May you be content knowing you are a child of God.
Let this presence settle into our bones, and allow your soul the freedom to
sing, dance, praise and love.

My sister is Renee. She’s four years younger than I am….and we look nothing alike. I’d like to think our personalities are similar, but they’re not. We’ve grown tremendously close in these last years…in fact I don’t function too well without her.

Of all the people in the world that I can understand or can understand me, it’s her. She may not understand the motivations behind my feelings, but she knows what is WITHIN my personality and can predict my responses and moods and reactions.

It’s the same with me. She is not a difficult person to understand…..more like complex….intricate….something that escapes even our mother sometimes.

People believe its something that distances her from other people. If they knew her…they would know that her distance… is her reaching out to you. She steps away when she needs you to step close. Strange? She is quite capable of coming out of whatever funk she’s in. She can more than adequately take care of herself and make hard decisions. And without a doubt she will do what her heart tells her to.

But the “mood’ is an indication. And, depending on the situation….and HOW WELL YOU KNOW HER…you “choose’ to approach and probe, or …jus leave her alone. She’s fiercely loyal to those she care about….and like me, is emotionally devastated when human beings turn out to be …you know…humans.

Anyways…I missed her today…again. I need a kick in the butt….she’s good at those

for those non Stephen King readers.....slippage is the gradual disintegration of something...so slow that you barely notice it......it happens right in front of your eyes....but you dont notice it....till you can't fix it.... Young enough to know that SOME things are far behind you...Old enough to finally be aware of your own potential, purpose....and experienced enough to acknowledge that the things you had planned to do since you were a kid may never happen...

sigh..

I hate this friggin weather

When you hate, the only person who SUFFERS is you because half the people you hate DON'T KNOW IT and the other half DON'T CARE. That is something that I have come to learn and I think it's something to live by.

So to "anyone", anywhere who think you hate/dislike me I say this to you:

There is no need to talk about me because I'm not gonna hear it....
No need to look at me like you're trying to intimidate me cause I won't see you anyway,

So don't waste your time because either I don't know you hate me or I JUST DON'T GIVE A FUCK...hahaha (Y'all know who you are)

Rapture’s self is three parts sorrow.
Although we must die to-morrow,
Losing every thought but this;
Torn, triumphant, drowned in bliss.

Elation...

Ain't that the truth??