As a child I guess I was definitely fearless.

As I grew older I learned that everything had conditions.

I believed that in all things...if I did this right, If I got this result, If I finished this task, If I performed this way, If I did this for her, if I achieved this milestone, If I sacrificed, or delayed my own joy...

If, if if ....then eventually, everything would be alright.

If I did this now I would have the space to do what I actually wanted later.

I’ve learned, painfully ...that that’s not true.

That it all comes with conditions...and sometimes, later never comes.

 

Thats okay.

Now.

 All I have ever wanted was to be understood. Thats it.

 

For my heart to be seen.

for my position to be appreciated...

to be told or more so to actively feel like I'm enough.

I've run hither and yon, offered my time and energy.

"Do you need this?

Trying to be the solution, the superhero to others problems,

and NOTHING to myself.

 

I feel Judged...and judged again.

A disappointment, unfulfilled promise.

She COULD have been so amazing.

 

I wrapped this package up so perfectly.

Dressed it just so, presented it just the right way.

That maybe NO one knows the real me - the scared, stressed, complicated, insecure, searching...strong yes....but yearning to not have to be.

 

At almost the half century point of my life, I’m actively deciding to not search for that acceptance anymore.

Even more, I’m teaching my own spirit that I AM enough.

 

My  faith walk is private. I don’t want it judged or assessed.

Outwardly I guess im falling short in that area too, but it’s nobody's business but my own.

In spite of my failures, regardless of my short comings, I'm deserving of a life of my own,

a life of my choice.

I can not live for anyone else.

 

The ones I hoped would want to provide that reassurance believe me to be falling short.

Or I should say, I've been found lacking. 

I probably am.

I’m probably not enough of anything for them.

Not needed in the way I thought I would be...or should be.

I am Not enough. I cannot recall having HEARD those words spoken to me.

 

That hurts.

 

But I cannot change what is.

 

I'm not strong enough to be vulnerable with them. And probably never will.

I cannot let them see me cry.

 

There is a loss in that. I love them...but they may never love me in a way that I can feel.

 

I mourn that potential connection.

Maybe I created that gap.

It’s possible. I’ll rely on my maker to heal that wound if it can be.

 

Hiding my flaws is hard work.

I seem to be....so different from them. It feels like I speak a different language.

I had hoped that different didn’t mean..alien.

It’s sad that I feel like I must keep my defenses up.

 

Its like screaming behind glass.

Yelling the truth of who I am, who I want to be to them, for them…

but its distorted, muffled.

Lost in translation.

 

But then I  remember,

 

Salvation is personal.