Blast from the past....pics that were resurrected

I think this is China we playing mas with in Hialeah.
Trinis and a Jamaican, who insisted on buying new sneakers [blue] to match the outfit.
Did you hear Me ???
NEW....for THAT DAY!!!
after three wines, a roti, and 5 carib...she was barefoot with the sneakers hanging around her neck like a weird type of earrings??

Can you guess which one it is????

I've been accused of being....super-independent, belligerent...even difficult...
It kinda makes me feel like I'm a butch chick, with hair growing out of my armpits wearing a muscle jacket, and picking my teeth with a knife...
I'm just complex and intelligent...and outspoken....simple as that... I know I'm not a physical threat to Anybody....wouldnt want to be..
I think people's perception of me is colored by my outward display. I think I present a smiley happy go lucky, easy going girl. Which is not to say that I'm not.
its just that...I too am capable of Evil.


My friends know this only too well. Inside me lurks a 7 foot 1 ninja, vindicator of all wrongs, a voodoo doctor and soothsayer. I can keep a secret, and a grudge forever....I put hexes on people daily...and then ask god to forgive me two seconds after...sigh.
I remember embarrassing my best friend and my sister at a blockbusters when I thought we were being treated unfairly. Now that I visualize the situation I can see the apparent humor in it. This coco-midget ( only I can call myself that) screaming at this male manager in front of a collection of mixed races in a line demanding service. They heard me mumbling at first.....then I got the rolling eyes from the sis. BF trying to tell me to calm down...and then finally...oh lord...She's gonna blow..... lol. and I did. Actually there's a block in Miami where I have gone off on almost every retail business for lack of service. People just don't know a thing about customer service anymore.


I'm usually the one yelling for other people too. very defensive of my people...even when they're wrong..
sigh...
Why submissive anyways? Why cant I be the "partner", the equal? I know my brain is far advanced than most men and women I know. I'm capable of independent thought and decisions...
I'm not going to be silent to create an image of accuracy for ANYBODY!
So that makes me bitchy and opinionated....hahahah!!


My dad always told me that I'd be stuck in his house till I was 50...cause I was difficult and cantankerous. I know I have a mouth on me. It's not my fault...Its part of the gene pool....but right is right...right?
How can I sit and agree with something that makes no sense??? I'm not encouraging an argument...hell I hate conflict myself...(which is why on CSI when they're about to show the intense moment...my stomach hurts)


I can be submissive....I can...if I choose to be.

QUOTE: "I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive...he just has to be worthy."

I've been accused of being....super-independent, belligerent...even difficult...

It kinda makes me feel like I'm a butch chick, with hair growing out of my armpits wearing a muscle jacket, and picking my teeth with a knife...


I'm just complex and intelligent...and outspoken....simple as that... I know I'm not a physical threat to Anybody....wouldnt want to be..

I think people's perception of me is colored by my outward display. I think I present a smiley happy go lucky, easy going girl. Which is not to say that I'm not.

its just that...I too am capable of Evil.

My friends know this only too well. Inside me lurks a 7 foot 1 ninja, vindicator of all wrongs, a voodoo doctor and soothsayer. I can keep a secret, and a grudge forever....I put hexes on people daily...and then ask god to forgive me two seconds after...sigh.

I remember embarrassing my best friend and my sister at a blockbusters when I thought we were being treated unfairly. Now that I visualize the situation I can see the apparent humor in it. This coco-midget ( only I can call myself that) screaming at this male manager in front of a collection of mixed races in a line demanding service. They heard me mumbling at first.....then I got the rolling eyes from the sis. BF trying to tell me to calm down...and then finally...oh lord...She's gonna blow..... lol. and I did. Actually there's a block in Miami where I have gone off on almost every retail business for lack of service. People just don't know a thing about customer service anymore.

I'm usually the one yelling for other people too. very defensive of my people...even when they're wrong..

sigh...

Why submissive anyways? Why cant I be the "partner", the equal? I know my brain is far advanced than most men and women I know. I'm capable of independent thought and decisions...

I'm not going to be silent to create an image of accuracy for ANYBODY!

So that makes me bitchy and opinionated....hahahah!!

My dad always told me that I'd be stuck in his house till I was 50...cause I was difficult and cantankerous. I know I have a mouth on me. It's not my fault...Its part of the gene pool....but right is right...right?How can I sit and agree with something that makes no sense??? I'm not encouraging an argument...hell I hate conflict myself...(which is why on CSI when they're about to show the intense moment...my stomach hurts)

I can be submissive....I can...if I choose to be

So...I answer the phone...and I get...Clivia? That's a strange name....Sigh...What does it mean?

Welll... I've learned from a long time ago...I will never see my name on a key chain in Disney, or a T-shirt....or a sticker. As a kid that was torment.....My sister's Renee and Giselle would come home from trips to "merica with all kinda paraphanelia with their names on it....but not me.!

Steups...the mother would have to pay extra to have them write it in. Bad enough...people always felt it was okay to correct it to O-livia...and I would have to go to extreme lengths to explain...no its not a typo..NO.. I know how to SPELL my own blasted name. No...its not CLEEVIA...how hard could it possibly be? Don't you know phonetics? Its Pronounced as its spelt (isn't it?).

Then I come to FIU and the Americans (forgive me) think its sounds like some damn STD...Its not CLAMYDIA....My mother didn't name me after some blasted vaginal infection.....(breathe)

Sigh...

Anywaysss.....My name is clivia....

It is actually a flower...named after the Duchess of Northumberland, Lady Charlotte Clive who first cultivated and flowered the type specimen in England. It's native to South Africa, and is sometimes called "kaffir (slang for black person in oppressed South Africa - sorry to those easily offended) lily".
For those who don't believe me....check it out your self

http://www.cliviasociety.org/

Its funny how choices that you make as a youth, and maybe in arrogance can affect the more mature insightful you.
As a child I was always precocious. I knew what I wanted...to be the light of my family and itty bitty island....and even more to dance. I wanted papers (education)...and exposure to all the culture that was available to me, but The DANCE was my life.
I've done jazz, ballet and modern dance for most of my life .It was my life ...Everything else was secondary.
Were my pointe shoes broken in, would I be ready for my exams, no way the tall girls can make it across that floor before I did, why were my demi plies sooo not right....lol...My life.
I lived for my ballet exams....Rehearsing my arabesque for hours on end...anywhere...in the halls of my high school..., in the supermarket waiting to check out, dreaming of that day when Id be able to make it into a company.
Making into the almost immediately defunct National Dance Company was the highlight of my life...beyond my O'level results or job placement.
I never felt more confident than holding onto that barre.. feeling my body correct itself...or having Roxanne hit me with her stick to correct it.

" Tuck in that butt Clivia...no butts needed here"..

Ballet is the one forum where an African butt is not praised...

Strange my body issues came from outside the DANCE...not in..

They always told me that my body type would have to be in one of the more "ethnic" companies like Faison or Ailey.. compact, curvy....not lithe and slender

Faison. Ailey....That was good enough for me... Amazing.

Coming to America was only a temporary segue.....Something to fall back on....

and then LIFE happened...lol

So here I am...Watching others live the dream that had fed me for most of my life....

the spirit is still in me...It happens when I see a performance...a straightening of the back or a pointing of the toes...

I don't think I have ever felt more confident or powerful than being on stage and performing...

But LIFE has a way way of making things that were once your only focus and turning them into a ...a dream...deferred? lol....IT forced me to acknowledge other talents...other creative ways of sending my energy out to the world...writing, singing, design

You can still do it...you know.. I hear now and again...but the energy and drive that I once had for it has been devoured by....my day to day existence.

Mind you, I'm not upset at the direction my life has taken....Life is about dealing with the cards that you were dealt...but a dancer's spirit is still in me...maybe Ill find an avenue to pursue it .,..in the Life I'm NOW in....Or maybe not...
either way...
I Live...and isn't that the point?

So...I had a day where everything that could have gone wrong did. I'm under so many deadlines these past weeks.....and I seem to have a problem saying NO. Just those two words no. Sorry...But I can't...

I have 100 Costumes to finish in T minus 12 days...and every year I've tried to minimize the last minute mad dash to complete everything........and ..I've failed again...on top of that...all my other responsibilities....to myself, my house, my friends, my dog.....have gone completely to shit.

And, it only gets worse.

I plan my days to the nanosecond.....and its crap...I don't plan anything ...and the same thing happens...I make decisions I believe are based on the priority of the situation....and SOMETHING STILL happens to frig it all up.
TIME CHECK: 11:00 AM
So my vendor for my appliqué (that I ordered 3 weeks prior to make sure I would have it on time) calls me and says come pick it up. I'm ELATED (pardon the pun)... so I run over there on Saturday morning to pick it up. Mind you I hate downtown Miami...One, cause it’s always a mad dash for parking and it’s really congested...and Two I get distracted by all the frieking fabric and bead stores...

sigh... So I go the store which shall remain nameless for now...and I have 20 beautiful yards ....OF THE WRONG FRIEKING APPLIQUE!!! I'm beyond anger......I'm in tears of complete bewilderment and frustration and exhaustion....TEARS....over some flippin appliqué...

What's worse is that it takes 3 weeks from whereverinfakistan they have to have it made to send to me....CARNIVAL IS OCTOBER 9. What... I give my masqueraders a friggin IOU until after the event??? I have never wanted to just roll over and die like I did at that moment.
So after minutes of jus crying.....I mean BAWLING till snot running down my nose...and strange Hispanic Women are patting me on the back to say its okay in Spanish...he says...oh...Let me see what I can do....I have no choice but to leave. After a few minutes to compose myself...while I stand outside the store bent over doubled up in pain...I REFUSE to allow the entire day to be wasted. I go to my other supplier....

TIME CHECK: 1:30PM
I go to pick up my final order of design elements for the male costume....of which I was told there are 38 cartons in the warehouse....they open the box....and its SILVER!! ...which of course is gorgeous...BUT I CANT FRICKIN USE IT. Numb...I'm jus numb. I buy it anyways...and pray that gold metallic paint can fix it. I realize now that the birthday party for my friend D's son has started already..... an hour away from where I am.....and I have to skip it again...( and disappoint them and her and him...and me) because I have to stay in the area to make sure that my appliqué guy can give me a contact for a friekin shipping/exporter who might have the appliqué for me....sigh...

TIME CHECK: 1:45
I go to the bank to cash two checks (I should have learnt my lesson from last year. No checks...sigh but...) for deposits send for the costumes. Large amounts. I figure...Let me cash them and get everything else that I need. BOTH CHECKS...BOTH...come back NSF....Why is my car acting weird???

TIME CHECK: 3:30
No Phone Call yet. I go to Wal-Mart to pick up the pellam backing for the belts and arm bands....and the shorts for the males...THERE IS NOT ONE SHORT IN THE RIGHT COLOR! Not A One. I buy a Sobe adrenaline...and keep walking...I'm beyond tears...or embarrassment...because I know my hair is a wreck...and my eyes are bloodshot and blurry.

TIME CHECK: 4:00
Aren't the stores downtown closing already? No Phone Call yet. I call. He says....Ill have to call you on Monday. Despair. Complete Despair. I decide to keep pushing...cant even speak anymore... I go to Ultra Fabrics. University - From Downtown. Traffic. Annoyed. Get there...Highlight of my day. My accent appliqués is on Sale. Great googly Moogly....SOMETHING GOES FRIEKIN RIGHT!!! I get what I need....Lets head home and do some work.....Oh I need some gas...I drive off...My car shuts down......2 steps shy of the pump...not because of gas...Its the battery. I'm Stranded stranded....

TIME CHECK: 6:00PM
I finally gets to the mas camp. After babying the car...which shuts off on its own every 5 miles leaving me stranded in the traffic...hazards ON praying some one will NOT hit me.....all the way up the highway...much to the annoyance of the other mall shopping happy friekin motorist...I offload the purchases and get inside. Thank God its cool...

TIME CHECK: 7:00 PM
SO....I find out that my Roadside Assistance cannot get my car for another 3 hours due to some glitch in their system....But I think...its good time... I can do some work while I wait. Two more girls come over....we get some work done....I’m starting to relax...Phone rings...ohh...International. It must be my mommy. YAY! It is...I get ready to vent...and she tells me ...my swimsuits are complete... They’ll be shipped next week. Point TWO for Good news.

TIME CHECK: 9:00PM
No tow truck. No call saying they’re coming. NO call back from the Insurance Company. I haven't walked the dog. I really want a shower...my nails are covered in glue...and the Chinese food that I ordered for lunch is sitting on my chest.

TIME CHECK: 10:00PM.
My friend's BF lends her his car....so she can follow my car....for as long as it takes...to get my car to my house...And it takes 45 mins...in between the driving and the waiting for it to drive again...
TIME CHECK: 10:45 PM.
Finally. Home. I walk the dog. I call my friend to say I'm sorry I cant go that birthday party tonight. I realize again...that I'm disappointing a friend...two actually. I’m denying myself some relaxing time...I'm exhausted, I have to do laundry, I have no Appliqué and I have to do it all again tomorrow... I cry myself to sleep..