A random stranger made me smile today.
I've been ignoring myself....is that possible?..

...well yes I have...
I've been ignoring my emotional self....and focusing on what I need and Must do....
and been assuming that everyone else has been ignoring me too...


Thank you random Guy..
for making a girl feel a little special today ...

:)

Today i feel, weak, and alone, and disconnected from ...well... it doesn't matter.
Its lonely and I try to reach out and I find air and glass.
It's worse because I'm making these huge decisions ...these scary, faith motivated moves based on my heart...and my Head is screaming at me...WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING??
So while I'm trying to run to Love...I see it behind a wall of plastic blocks..muddled and distorted when it was once a mirror, glass, air..
anyway...

things I feel RIGHT THIS MINUTE:
Everyone has an agenda. EVERYONE. The trick is to understand what the motivation is for their agenda as it pertains to you.
Love is not free...it costs...and the currency is SOULS.
Fear is a motivator...but it shouldn't be your director.
The people who you love have the most power to hurt you. Most times the risk is worth it. Some times its not.
Loneliness will not kill you...Being ALONE may crush you...
Hold on to the guy/girl who loves you MORE when you are not at your most amazing, or funny, or strong, or rational or creative. Hold on Forever!
Sometimes you must let everything Go. Let it go. Let it go.
Fantasy can feed you heart.....reality can crush it.
Sometimes they just don't love you...ENOUGH...
Don't listen to Adele's "Lovesong" when you feel weak or disconnected.

I've been learning some strange lessons this week..no this month...
and I hope I've finally accepted this Basic truth...
that men ..
good or bad...
loved,or not loved any more
new, old...
soul mates
and
Incompatibles...
They're still men...
and at their core will always be "MEN"

I need to stop idolizing them..
and romanticizing my connections
and reassess what my expectations of a man in my life should be...
that

my Fricking Prince Charming...

My Captain Save A HO?

has to be

ME.

i think...
i can live with Fear..
I KNOW i can live with anger...
its like a fuel that keeps you slim and your mind focused...

i CANNOT
cannot F&CKING LIVE with feeling vulnerable...
it is the BANE of my existence..
i hate being insecure..
or being unsure of where i stand....
i wish i could rip it out of myself and replace it with something else..