Actress alive...

I realize that even the people..who are closest to me..generally assume that I'm ok..
That I don't have a bad day..
That I Don't doubt myself and my abilities..
That I Don't need to be asked ...are you okay?
That I'm not capable of needing a pat on the back...
That I don't sometimes want to curl in a ball and hide from the outside world...
or an"it's ok....you're not perfect" and have that be ok too..

Maybe that's my fault...
cause I always appear to have it together?!?!
cause i don't like to burden people with my baggage...

Maybe I smile too much and too often?
Tricia told me that once...
That my response to most things is a smile..
That's true...
But i think...it's a defense mechanism,...[i wonder if that would work in Afghanistan?]
Yeah...that little quick wit crap doesn't help it much either..
I make fun of my distress...so that the people around ME feel better...
cause if im laughing about it...it cant be bothering me that much right?

sigh,....
anyways enough of that...

we'll be back to our scheduled carnival mania in the next post...

Carry on...