Even when he was loving you....he was loving me

Oooohhh... 

Hey Hey Hey Hey... 

I want you [x2]

Hey, I love the night life

Yes I do it's so much fun

And before you know it

Ah here comes the sun

Sweetheart it's been real, but... 

The thrill is gone

Silence is like a spirit

That picked my house to haunt

But I know it's there so I'm nonchalant

Yet deep inside I need what I want

And I want you to run away with me and experience something new

Anything you've already done just won't do

I want you

And I want you to genuinely and sincerely want me too

You can believe in my baby

Don't be cruel

'Cause I want you

Would a trip to a remoted island ease your mind

Oh you look like a solitare every sunshine

I like her 'cause she's fun

And she's fearless

She's a friend of mine

And I'm not trying to say that you need some help

Or you can have anything you want with your bad self

I like her 'cause she's smart

But she's still sexy

She is somethin' else

That's why I want you to run away with me and experience something new

Anything you've already done just won't do

I want you

And I want you to genuinely and sincerely want me too

You can believe in my baby, don't be cruel

'Cause I want you

Oooh... 

Oh one world to find a lady

That happens to be three times the lady

God is good

But he took his time when he designed you baby

That's why I want you

And

Oh I'll even quit my job

Lovin' you, I'll make it my job

Thank you Lord, thank you lord

This is it

My god! 

That's why I want you

P.S. this has not turned into a music blog. Its called AVOIDANCE to the Nth degree. When you have too many things to process in your head...that even writing about them creates tension...you kinda have to step back from it until its ok to talk about it...:)

Let it go..
the hurt..the anger..the anxiety...
let it go.
the internal struggle..the fight between your best and worse self..
drop it..
Let it fall to the wayside ....drop the heavy armor..
the protective shell that you use to maintain the tender inside that is your heart....
Don't deny yourself the possibility of JOY..
Don't deny yourself the moments of pure FEELING that will keep you joyous in the dark times..
Everyday we're reminded of how fragile, how tenuous this life can be..
Step on fear with your feet and your heart..
Crush it..
Grind it into the dirt where it belongs..
Live as if there is ONLY love....
Choose to be brave...
We have only this life...
You have only this ONE existence in which to be happy...
Chase Happy. FERVENTLY..doggedly..
pursue it as if it is the final destination..
You will bring others with you...
Because hope and joy is contagious...
It will scream to the universe that this is what you deserve...
It will color you life in hues of wonder and awe...
You deserve it. We Deserve it.
Call it to you...
Scream it into the universe..
Joy.
Joy.
Joy.Joy.

:). k? K. :)



Last night somebody told me that you would be in town
I opened up my eyes and you were staring me down
I often think about the last times we spent together
Ummm hmmmmm

And sometimes
When no one was around and its just me
You serve a special parted memory

[x2:]
It's our dream to see
(oh baby)
You here with me
(I miss you)
After all this time
You're still fine
(Girl let's chill)
For the Weekend
(For the Weekend babe, I'd like to chill for the weekend)

This morning
I awake to find you next to me
Holding a long convesation over a green tea baby
we speak about the love before
Night before
And its killing me
(no way)
I Gotta let you leave
(Although)
But at least we know
That We made another memory
Of the Way you
Let me love you
Hold You
You've got me so in love

[Chorus:]
It's our dream to see
You here with me
(I miss you)
After all this time
(baby)
You're still fine
For the Weekend
(you and I)

I thank the man above
For my Weekend Love

[x2:]
It's our dream to see
You here with me
(can you believe)
After all this time
You're still fine
(on my mind)
For the Weekend
(So let's do you and me for the Week-end)

Baby that would be alright

I love a man...
Its been a markedly long time since I could say that.
When I say this...
I say it unabashedly
No pride, No thought..No doubt.

I love this man...and it is doomed.
Doomed because the similarities go beyond generic shit like food, and music..
but converge on ethical choices, unspoken memories, irrational fears..even un-shared experiences.

Deep Shit.

It's Doomed...
because neither can pull the other out of that space that spells "Safe"

Cling to a pseudo relationship that is more ephemeral,
possibly imagined, un-physical....and still,
Shockingly..one of the most satisfying that I have ever had in my life.

Feeds that creative pig of mine that claims to want the things
not of the physical...the psychic connection,
the existential,symbiotic relationship.

Still.

It is a steady diet of denial
content to be miserable, lonely, yearning
Because I cannot, WILL not face the possibility
that HE is not what MY love should be...

We Pisces need to be miserable to be happy.

Shifting. Daily. On a pendulum of doubt and hope...
Let him go...Tell you heart to Let him Go.

Deny new contacts,new energies
Afraid to give up on the possibility of One..
A selfish self-flagellation.
Intentionally crushing the energies that seek mine.

A cosmic toy.
A perfect gadget..
Discarded until a memory triggers a fleeting need for it.

SHE WHO WILL NOT BE LOVED

should transform into...

She who will LET someone love her...

No REALIST can live in the land of WHAT COULD BE forever...

My heart's imagination cannot conjure a love song forever...

you know they say that life has to have balance....and to be blessed in One area of your life...most likely there is a gap somewhere else.
I believe that...
thats not even th point of this ....ramble.
Age is a Bitch.
It shows you all the shit you coulda done...based on your own potential.
Potential that is BETTER REVEALED TO TO YOU AFTER the opportunities to develop them may have escaped you...

aint that a bitch??
im not saying that thats whats happened to me...or im stuck in the limbo of unrealized drems...
but you finally realize what they mean when they say youth is wasted on the young...

Anyways..
Im realizing..that the closer i come to knowing what i want...
is the more i realize..
that shit just may not happen...
it takes all the magic out of existence sometimes...
It messes up your connections with people...
because they will never be to you ...what you USED to PRAY they were....
or you would be ...
to them..

and that...
my friend..

is HEARTBREAKING!!

it takes all the color out of moments that you believed were magic...
and turned everything to ....dusty grey flat drudging ...
nothingness...

NOTHINGNESS is heartbreaking...

steups.

its just coincidence and happen stance?
glass and mirrors...
flash no substance...??
what does that make me?

Lyrics after the jump
So, I typed a text to a girl I used to see
Sayin that I chose this cutie pie with whom I wanna be
And I apologize if this message gets you down
Then I CC'd every girl that I'd see see round town and
I hate to see y'all frown but I'd rather see her smiling
Wetness all around me, true, but I'm no island
Peninsula maybe, makes no sense I know, crazy
Give up all this pussy cat thats in my lap no lookin back
Spaceships dont come equipped with rearview mirrors
They dip as quick as they can
The atmosphere is now ripped
Im so like a Pip, Im glad its night
So the light from the sun would not burn me on my bum
When I shoot the moon high, jump the broom
Like a premie out the womb
My partner yellin "Too soon! Dont do it! Reconsider!
Read some litera - ture on the subject
You sure? Fuck it
You know we got your back like chiroprac - tic
If that bitch do you dirty
we'll wipe her ass out as in detergent
Now hurry hurry, go on to the altar
I know you aint a pimp but pimp remember what I taught ya
Keep your heart 3 stacks, keep your heart
Aye, keep your heart 3 stacks, keep your heart
Man, these girls is smart, 3 stacks, these girls is smart
Play your part
Play your part"

[Pimp C:]
Sweet jones
By bitch a choosey lover, never fuck without a rubber
Never in the sheets, like it on top of the cover
Money on the dresser, drive a compressor
Top notch hoes get the most, not the lesser
trash like the fuck for 40 dollars in the club
fucking up the game, bitch you gets no love
She be cross country givin all that she got
A thousand a pop, Im pullin Bentleys off the lot
I smashed up the grey one, bought me a red
Every time we hit the parking lot we turn heads
Some hoes wanna choose but them bitches too scary
Your bitch chose me, you aint a pimp you a fairy

[Chorus:]
Ooooooohhh Ooooooohhh
I choose you girl

[Bun B:]
Baby you been rollin solo, time to get down with the team
Because its greener on that other side if you know what I mean
I'll show you shit you've never seen
The 7 wonders of the world
And I can make you the 8th if you wanna be my girl
When I say my girl I don't mean my woman, that aint my style
Need a real streets stalker to walk a green mile
We burnin up the paper on the dining room table
Cause you able to realize I'm the truth and not a fable
We rockin precious sable, keep that chilla on the rack
What I look like with some thousand dollar shit up on my back
Im a million dollar mack, need a billion dollar bitch
Put my pimpin in your life, watch your daddy get rich
Easy as A B C, simple as 1 2 3
Get down with UGK, Pimp C, B U N B
Cause whats a hoe with no pimp, and whats a pimp with no hoes
Dont be a lame, you know the game and how it goes
We tryin to get jones

[Chorus:]
OOOooooohhh Ooooooohhh
I choose you girl

[Big Boi:]
Eni mini decisions with precision I pick
Or make my selection on who I choose to be with
Girl dont touch my protection, I know you want it to slip
But slippin is something I dont do, tippin for life? (Mmm mmm!)
Thats like makin it rain
Every month on schedule (mmmHhmm!) Let me tell you
Get your parasol umbrella cause its gonna get wetter
Better prepare you for the see-saw pole
She supposed to spend it on that baby but we see she dont
[Chopped & Screwed]
Ask ask Paul McCartney the lawyers gettin sloppy
Slaughter slaughter of them pockets, had to tie her to a rocket
Send her into outer space, I know he wish he could
Cause he payin 20K a day, that b****is eating good
Like an infant on a double D b**** is getting plump
Cause he miscalculated the next to the last bump
[Chopped & Screwed]
Dump dump in the gut, walk it off from the giddy up
Better chose the right one or pick pick the kitties up

[Chorus:]
Ooooohhhhh Ooooooohhh
I chose you girl

IIIIiiii
I chose you baby

it comes...
light and slow...
teasing like a cheeky gnat or mosquito trying to dance on your ear...
Then it roars..
like an airplane..
but far over head...
impressing you with its weight and power..
but fooling you with its apparent distance from you...
and then it drops..
like an acme anvil from the looney toons series..
unexpected ,
deliberate,
unavoidable..

FEAR.

I always denied this...
i said i wasnt...that i was just too empathic..
too sensitive to other people's emotions...
too open to random emotions floating in the wind...
it makes me a great devils advocate...
but it makes you an emotional wreck too...lol
so...
maybe i am..
maybe i MAKE myself so wrapped up in emotion ..
and FAKING to not be..
that i dont know what my truth is....
what a way to live..
do i really choose to be conflicted...
to make things more difficult than they need to be..
im at war with myself..
every day..
the emotional side wants to win..
and the part thats been scarred by life.......DEMANDS that it be listened to..
and in the void between the two
stands...
ME.

you


I;m sorry i wasn't ready for you...
I hope you're happy..
i hope one day we can see each other and nod hello...
and remember each other fondly..

"and that's why i have to go back
to so many places
there to find myself
and constantly examine myself
with no witness but the moon
and then whistle with joy,
ambling over rocks and clods of earth,
with no task but to live,
with no family but the road."
— Pablo Neruda

He is …
sanctuary and inspiration…conflict and calm, challenge and peace..
A mirror reflecting my true self back to me…
He speaks, and it is as if his words were encoded only for me...a rhythm that connects with mine and contorts into a tattooed beat of understanding and acceptance…
He smiles…and my soul lifts and euphoria creeps in through the shadows and seeps into my very self…
I hear him..like I hear no other…questioning even those truths that I've convinced myself are real..
In his presence…I feel like home…a home I only envisioned in my head…
Together we summon a power that neither of us can control…physically separate, yet forever spiritually joined..
Creatively charged ions that explode into Genius..
How can I not love him?

Mi Lova gone
Find Am
ah Where he dey?
fine Am

Mi Lova Gone
Find Am
ah Where he dey?
Fine Am

you see mi lova?
Find Am
ah Where he dey?
Fine Am

Go find Mi Lova
Find Am
ah Where he dey?
Find Am

Explanation Next Post ..