that I may be a candidate for therapy...
I mean..i Know i process my emotions..
and i Know what a psychiatrist will tell me my issues are...
shit.. I know what my issues are...
so i sure as hell can figure out what Technically I should do to fix them...
but i CONTINUE to have the damn issues..

why don't I ever ask for help?
Who the hell died and made me superwoman?
When did i develop this behavior where I don't rely on anybody..i can't even say don't...it's CAN'T... For Anything?
I try...i'm trying...I CAN'T..
What the FUCK!!
I shut down...and change the subject...


does that mean I'm a Liar?
Cause i don't tell the whole story...to anyone but myself...??
I'm a Liar...cause omission is a lie...
And I know that a stressed out Clivia is a Sick Clivia...
But saying I'm stuck means...I FAILED!
Shit and why should it be somebody else's job ...to Save..me?

I can't tell if it's a trust issue or a ...i don't want them holding any thing over me issue...
the thing is.. I want to be the go to person for people I give a shit about..
and for most people.. I am..
I don't judge the ones I love either...
Cause i love them. Full Stop..
I completely understand the Mother crying over her Murdering, raping son being electrocuted...
Love. Full. STOP.
so why the HELL do I hold MYSELF to this stinking unattainable, impossible standard?

I think its that ASSHOLE that brought this trait out in me..
He would throw EVERYTHING that he had ever done for me BACK IN MY FACE..
at my most vulnerable moments...
LIke he had a list...well actually he did have a hand written list..
of every miniscule thing.. i Mean..[took the garbage out when it was your turn, walked the dog cause you were sleepy, got you out of jail even though it was YOUR F&(*cking fault..kinda list]

So i made sure that I carried my end..
even lost sleep over it...and HAIR...haha.. and body mass..

And i think even now one of my biggest fears is if i thought one of my inner circle thought i was taking advantage of them...
By not pulling my weight..
or keeping the "Friend" code..

How the FUCK can i be so chipper with people...
when i'm screaming in my head.?!?!
HOW is that even possible...??

and why the hell do i do it?
How can i be glib and funny and sarcastic...and CREATIVE..do you HEAR THIS?? yeah i AM!!
CREATIVE!!
when my inner demons are whipping the PISS out of me..
and though im not suicidal or anything..
I know that I'm tortured at the moment...

does Therapy work?